Nineteen
by xXxThe Phantom's RosexXx
Summary: Clare Edwards can't stop thinking about that one night that occurred when she was nineteen years old - that night that haunts her memories as if it were yesterday. That night had been a huge mistake and she had tried for years to get it out of her head. But what if it wasn't a mistake? And what if the memory she can't get out of her head is supposed to be there?
1. Prologue

**Author's Note/Disclaimer: This is really AU. Like, it doesn't get much more AU than it actually happening to me, right? Sorry if the characters seem OOC. I just needed to write this to deal with a bunch of inner feelings I am fighting through right now. This is really a coping thing for me. I posted this as a story on but will use some of that for my story now. Like I said, it's mostly a coping thing for me, but if my readers find enjoyment out of reading this, than all the better. I do not own Degrassi or the characters. Please read and enjoy!**

Nineteen

**Prologue**

I liked him before the vodka sat in. No, don't look at me like that – it's the truth. I liked him the moment he walked up the car and said: "Oh my God, you're parked in the middle of a fucking lake, silly!"

My friend, Rachel flipped him off and continued to try to get her car out of the enormous amount of water that had gathered in the gutter. I wasn't thinking about that though. I was thinking about the guy standing in front of me. Emo bangs. That's the first thing I noticed. I had never been a fan of emo kids, ever. I mean, sure the music is great, but I had never really given it a thought. Emo bangs.

The second thing I noticed was that he used the word silly. No guy says the word silly – ever. They just don't. But it was cute. Really cute. And it made my skin break out into little teeny tiny goose bumps. My stomach got butterflies as he slid into the seat next to me (I was in the middle) and we drove to the Walmart to pick up a few things.

The third thing that I noticed was his emerald green eyes. They were like pools of melted down emeralds – beautiful and sparkling with a hint of teasing glistening. And the freckles. He had a few little freckles peppered across his nose. And his smirk…that smirk that would forever stay ingrained into my memories – haunting my thoughts.

His arm was casually swung around me and I literally felt like a statue that would crack at any given moment. Despite my on-edge feeling, I also felt at ease. This boy was sweet. He made me laugh. I liked him. He was really, really just amazing.

Everyone says I get attached too easily, and that is the case a lot of the times, but this was different. All I wanted was to be something with him. I don't know my definition of something was per say – whether it was friends or more – but I wanted something. I could picture myself getting his number and us texting after Rachel and I returned home. I could literally see myself smiling at a text he'd send just at the right moment.

But not everything goes the way you plan, huh?

That night was amazing. He made me feel so special. His band practiced and I watched from the side, smiling the whole time right at him. He'd grin at me and once practice was over, he'd meander back and forth between his band-mates, just talking and laughing. Whenever he'd pass me, he'd nudge me or wrap his arms around me. It made me feel like the most special girl in the world.

And at that moment, I believe I was.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

We made our way to the local Wal-Mart, crammed into Rachel's tiny little pick-up truck. I couldn't help but feel my breath hitch a bit as Eli's foot rubbed gently against my leg. The action stopped as abruptly as it began and I started question – had it been an accident? Or an intentional motion?

Surely the movement was accidental. Eli was everything a guy that would go for me was not. He was into his hard-core band, he had emo bangs, he had that cute – somewhat mocking – grin, and he was good looking. Guys like that didn't go for girls like me. In fact, no guys went for a girl like me. And how could I blame them? I was short, a little pudgy (not fat, but I could stand to lose ten pounds), I wore glasses, my hair was frizzy (but Rachel had spent hours on my hair and makeup). She had said she wanted me to look good for these guys tonight.

Rachel wanted to introduce me to the guys she had gone to high school with. I had met Rachel at college, and she was everything I was not. She was loud and boisterous and commanded attention wherever she went. I was shy and quiet and would rather spend my weekends reading a book, sipping tea, and snuggled up in my flannel pajamas. Rachel had had enough of that, and insisted I make the two hour drive from our university to the small town of Grayberry, where she was from. Her best friend, Madeline had just graduated from Dental Hygienist school, and was throwing a huge party to celebrate. Apparently Eli, and the rest of his band known as _The Rage Pilots_, would be playing at the party at Madeline's grandparents' barn.

Rachel had told me about the people I would be meeting that night, and the guys in Eli's band. She said they all were flirty and fun and liked to give the right girls the right attention. She told me to not read too much into it. It was all in good fun, and just to have a good time and flirt back with them. Not that I knew the next thing about flirting with a guy.

But God, what I wouldn't give to have Eli give me that attention. I began to long for his glance, for another touch of his foot. I wanted to hear his voice again, his laugh.

I got my wish.

Rachel had put her purse on the floorboard at his feet and asked if he could please dig out her cigarettes for her. Rachel didn't smoke often but when she did, it was often to get a guy's attention. The type of guys she went for were into that sort of thing. My heart sank. Was she trying to impress Eli? And would he go for it?

"Sure thing," he picked up her baggy hobo purse and tried to pry the zipper open, "I…I think it's stuck."

"Give it here," I rolled my eyes, "I'll do it."

"Sorry," Eli blushed a bit, but I could definitely see the teasing grin lift the corners of his lips. His grin was so crooked; the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy at that point. I tried my best to act cool and in control. Guys didn't like girls that were all bumbling and nervous.

"I don't open purses often," he grinned a full-fledged grin. I felt my confidence kick into overdrive and decided to tease him a bit. Guys liked girls with confidence, right? And with this makeup and this hair, I couldn't help it.

"Are you sure about that?" I smirked at him, and his face grew a shade of pink. I could tell my comment had surprised him just as much as it had surprised me. He was flustered. I actually made a guy – a guy like Eli – flustered. I couldn't help but be addicted to this new side of me. I'd never see these guys again, right? So why not use this time with them for a little bit of a good time?

Eli's response was to nudge me in the side. I jumped a bit and he proceeded to poke me in the sides while I tried to turn and reach him to try and protect myself and give him a taste of his own medicine. Rachel was smiling good-naturedly as she said:

"Do I have to separate you two?"

"No!" Eli and I said in tandem, causing us to stare at each other a bit shocked.

"Jinx, you owe me a soda!" Eli sang out the infamous playground line.

"Oh hush," I rolled my eyes.

"I like Dr. Pepper."

"And I'd like you to shut up," I rolled my eyes again. I liked this, I liked this a lot. The banter, the flirting. It was like I was high off of it. High off of my confidence. I didn't know where this sudden assurance came from, but I didn't it want it to creep back into my shell again. I had been living in a shell for nineteen years. I was finally starting to get a taste of life outside my shell, and I didn't want to go back inside there at all. This was too much fun.

"So what exactly is our plan for tonight?" I asked. It was the first time Rachel had invited me to visit her hometown. I liked it so far. It was different from the city I had lived in all my life. Everything in Grayberry seemed to move at a slower place. There wasn't a huge mall with a three story Dillard's. Instead, there was a single strip-center that housed a Payless, Khol's, Subway, and an Automotive Repair shop. There was also a few fast-food places but those were very limited. And most of them had names I had never heard of. Names like Chicken A-Go-Go and Storm's Burgers. Oh, and I can't forget, Taco Box!

There were two grocery stores – a Wal-Mart and an H.E.B. Apparently, Wal-Mart (according to Rachel) was the best place to get alcohol because no one asked questions. That was our plan for the night. Meet up with Eli, go get drinks, and head out to the barn. I'd never really gotten drunk before, and I was a tad nervous. I didn't know a single thing about drinks. But Rachel said not to worry, she'd be there helping me each step of the way. I counted on her for that. She told me she would be there to protect me and make sure I was safe that night. I was so grateful for that. I was already on edge, and knowing she would be looking out for me definitely calmed my nerves.

We pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot and Eli held the door open for me. As we walked inside, he kept nudging me and I'd nudge back. Every once in awhile, Rachel would smile at me as if she was sharing an intimate secret with me, but I couldn't pick up on what it was.

She always went overboard about guys anyways. A waiter would smile at me at a restaurant and she'd insist on me getting his number. I knew better to listen to her dropped hints about guys. She knew what she was talking about concerning a lot of things, but not about relationships involving me.

Once inside Wal-Mart, Rachel lead me over to the alcohol section while Eli went off somewhere else. She tossed in a few bottles of Vodka, and a few six-pack cardboard containers of Mike's lemonade. She also picked up some beer.

"Look good?" She asked, nodding towards the basket. I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded. I felt something tightening in my stomach. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was something else...I couldn't pinpoint it. As I was trying to shake my nerves, I felt something hit me from behind and saw a big, blue bouncy ball roll past me.

"You idiot!" I turned to face Eli, but the smile on my face (that I tried to hide) was giving me away. He laughed, swung his arm around my shoulders, and glanced into the cart.

"Hmm…good choices, Rach; but…what are we going to have with the vodka?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well…_I_ can handle it straight, but I don't think Clare can," he grinned at me, "Perhaps we should get other drinks to mix it with. So it's not so…"

"You know very well that _you_ are the one that wants Vodka mixed with something. Can't hold your liquor to save your own life," Rachel rolled her eyes, but gave in, "Alright, let's go see what they have."

We headed towards the drink aisle, with Eli's arm draped around me the whole time. It was a nice feeling and made me blush, despite how hard I tired. I just couldn't hide it. Eli had such a pull on me, and I think he knew it too. He fed off my nerves. Just when he saw how flustered I got around him, he'd flash that darn half-grin and I'd feel the butterflies do summersaults inside my stomach.

"What should we get?" Eli asked, staring at the aisle of bottled drinks. Sodas as far as the eye could see, in colors I'd never seen before. Just imagine – blue soda!

"Hmm…" Rachel glanced at the shelves, "This!" She grabbed a liter of Grape Fanta off the shelf, "And…she headed towards the Gatorade, "Some of the guys like this in their vodka," she told me, and then made a sour face, "but it's gross. Don't let them try to talk you into drinking it. It's like drinking…" she didn't finish her sentence, but tossed the Gatorade into the cart.

"Is this everything?" She asked, skimming over the cart.

"No," Eli smirked, "Clare still needs to get me a soda."

"You _have_ soda," I looked towards the iter of melted grape-popsicle colored soda.

"Not _that_ kind of soda," Eli shook his head as if I was just the dumbest thing in the world, "Don't be a butthead," he smiled and poked me again to let me know he was just kidding, "I want a soda from a vending machine. A can of Dr. Pepper."

"There's a vending machine outside," Rachel said, "Why don't you two go get Eli a Dr. Pepper while I pay out for our drinks?"

She had told me before we had picked Eli up that he was twenty, and I was nineteen. And she was buying alcohol. We didn't anyone asking questions. So Eli and I did as she said and made our way out to vending machine.

"You're _really_ making me do this?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Mmhmm. Not so much because I want the Dr. Pepper, but because I want to see you follow through with your jinx. Now pay up, Clare." Eli grinned.

"You're a pain, you are aware of that, right?" I tried not to beam at the way he said my voice.

"It's my calling."

I fed the machine, selected Dr. Pepper, and handed Eli the can that dropped. We headed back over to Rachel's pick up.

"Thank you very much," he grinned, popping open the can.

"Whatever. You better enjoy that."

When we got to the pickup, Eli casually threw his arm on the roof and I stood next to him. My stomach churning again. I cursed Rachel for forcing us to be alone. I prayed that she'd just hurry up, pay, and get back out here. Being alone with Eli terrified me.

"So," Eli sipped his soda, "How did you meet Rachel?"

"She's my roommate at University," I explained, "What about you?"

"We used to go to high school together. I am Madeline's cousin and the two of them are like sisters. I've been blessed with having Rachel be in my life for the past six years," Eli smirked towards me, moving a tad bit closer, "Are you ready for tonight?"

"Yeah," I nodded, trying to keep myself calm, "I am. Rachel has told me a lot about your band and I think it sounds awesome."

"We have a record company checking us out as we speak," Eli bragged, "It's so cool. I am the guitarist, if Rachel hasn't told you already. Been playing the guitar since I was kid. My dad taught me," he smiled a sad, far off smile that made me wonder but not question.

"I'm really excited to meet everyone," I added, and Eli's smile fell.

"Oh they're no big deal," he shook his head, "sure, they play alright, but _I_ am the glue that holds us all together."

I smiled; he was so endearing. Didn't he know he didn't need to try to impress me? I'd been completely crazy for him before he had even opened his mouth.

"Hey," Rachel called towards us, holding up the plastic bag filled with bottles, "You two behaving?"

"Yes," Eli blushed.

"Good, don't you try and hit on my best friend, you hear?" Rachel shook a finger at him, but I could tell she was kidding. She had fun teasing him and enjoyed the blush that stung his cheeks. He began to shuffle his feet against the asphalt.

"Oh don't look so embarrassed," Rachel tossed the bag into the back of the truck, "You know I am just picking on you. Hit on her all you want."

We all climbed into the truck and I noticed Eli didn't put his arm around me like he had before. He was staring at the floorboard and I knew what Rachel had said had dug in deep. Heck, she had embarrassed me too with that statement. I was desperate to hear his laugh and see his smile again. I could almost smack Rachel for depriving me of that. I decided that I needed to do something. His smile was like a drug, a drug that after one hit, I was already hooked on.

I poked him in the side, causing him to jump a bit. He glared at me at first, but as I poked him again, he let a smile spread across his face. I decided it was time I upped his confidence a bit. Especially after that kick to the ego that Rachel had just given him.

"There it is," I smiled up at him, "That smile of yours. Don't hide that smile from me again," I shook my finger at him scoldingly, "I love your smile and if you ever hide it from me again…" I poked him again to finish my point.

He laughed his wonderful laugh and swung his arm back over my shoulder and pulled me into a huge hug, and I silently prayed he would never let go. I was falling fast. Completely head over heels.

And it was more dangerous than I could ever imagine.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

As we continued to drive, Eli decided it would be absolutely hilarious to grab one of my curls and give it a sharp yank. I jerked away and slapped at his hand.

"Ow! How would you like it if I pulled your hair?" Eli stuck his tongue out at me.

"If you two can't behave, I _will_ separate you," Rachel threatened. He gave me a cross-eyed glance before turning and staring out the window. I changed the radio station to find a better song, and suddenly I felt another sharp yank.

"You're revolting!" I glared at him.

"And you're a bad actress. Don't make a career of it. You'd get tomatoes thrown at you and booed off the stage after a minute."

"Oh hush!" But at that point, I couldn't help but smile. Why the hell did he have to be so damn endearing. It was his best and his most obnoxious quality. And he knew he could probably get away with anything. All he had to do was smile and made a snide comment and anyone within a fifty-foot radius would melt into a puddle. Total Wicked Witch status.

We continued to drive – again with his arm casually thrown over mine as if I was a back of a couch– to the barn. The drive seemed pretty far and soon we found ourselves basically out in the middle of nowhere. I reminded myself that this was Grayberry after all. All of it was out in the middle of nowhere.

"Now, do you remember the other band member's names?" Rachel asked me.

"Of course," I shot her an impatient look, "Alex is the drummer. He's really good and from the pictures you showed me of him, kind of cute," Eli snorted and stared out the window, "And then there is Nick, the bassist and Zach, the vocalist." I smiled smugly, proud at remembering everyone.

"_Ahem_," Eli coughed.

"Oh right…I missed someone. Hmmm…" I tapped my purple acrylic nail to my chin (Rachel had insisted on the color choice when we got our nails done the day before), "Well, he must not be very important since I can't remember…"

Eli whacked me lightly in the arm and I laughed, "Eli, the guitarist," I gave in, not wanting to bug him any longer than necessary, "How could I forget you – the most _obnoxious_ member of the band."

Eli smiled, and pulled me closer against him. My blood fizzled and turned to soda within my veins. I shivered slightly and he grinned, knowing he caused this reaction from me. I could smell his Speed Stick deodorant as he held me, and I could feel the muscles through his shirt. My heart raced as he twisted one of my curls gently around his index finger. If anyone who didn't know us could have seen us at that moment, they would have thought we were a couple and had known each other for years. That's what it felt like – like I had known him forever.

I hoped we'd be at the barn soon and I could get out and be away from Eli. Sure, I liked him a lot, but that's why. I was too flustered around him. My confidence was dwindling and I decided it'd be best to pay attention to the other guys. Especially Alex. I had seen Alex on Rachel's Facebook multiple times. He was very cute and into poetry and tea. Just my kind of guy. The type I was used to. I wasn't used to Eli, and he scared me to death – despite how I felt around him.

We pulled up to the barn, and I noticed all the people. There must have been at least fifty people there. Everyone had red solo cups in their hands, and the air seemed smoky and thick. Rachel parked the truck next to the others in the field, and we headed up to the barn. As we walked, I felt Eli grab hold of my hand and rub his thumb across my knuckles. I shivered at the touch, and he smiled.

"Clare, this is everyone," he grinned, nodding towards a group of guys standing on a platform built on one side of the barn. There was straw on the ground, and the smell stung my eyes and nose. I cursed my allergies.

"Come on, Clare. Let me introduce you to Madeline," Rachel pulled me away from Eli. I glanced back at him and he jutted his lower lip out in that cursed 'puppy dog' face.

"Bring her back in one piece, Rach," I heard him call after us.

Rachel introduced me to Madeline. She shook my hand and told me she was glad I could make it. Rachel told her about the drinks she had purchased, and Madeline told her to put them on a table with the other drinks. Then I saw it. There was a huge, long card table in the middle of a field covered with various bottles. Several huge ice chests were scattered underneath it, filled with ice. After Rachel got our drinks set up, she decided to introduce me to the other members of the band.

Rachel introduced me to everyone as Eli set off to the side, watching me smile my perfect Colgate Commercial smile, and laughing. He was boiling I could tell. He craved my attention just as much as I craved his but I was not fixing to bend so easily. I liked this new side of me. It was fun and dangerous at the same time. I just didn't know how dangerous.

"Hey," Zach – with his shaggy orange hair and freckles peppering his nose – wandered over to me and took my hand, "Pleasure to meet you, Clare."

Rachel smiled and nudged me. She was right when she said they could make anyone feel special. But there was something genuine about Zach. I couldn't bear to question his kind comments.

"Let's get started," Alex nodded towards the instruments scattered on the platform. But Alex…well, Alex was just not as cute as I had hoped. His pictures had been deceiving and his personality was not what I had hoped. He seemed impatient and angry that we were interrupting their prized jam session.

Eli finally sauntered over towards me and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me against his chest before whispering in his ear, "Have fun," I could feel the smirk against my ear and rolled my eyes again. Just when I thought I could forget him for a night…

Rachel told me to stand there, leaning against the oppostite wall of the barn as the platform while she fixed me a drink. She returned with two beers in her hands. I leaned against the wall and watched the band begin to play. Eli was in the front, off to the left; and I couldn't help but stare at him. I tried to peel my eyes off of him and look elsewhere but he was like a magnet.

The music started up and the hairs inside my ears vibrated, my ear drum pulsed. It was loud, almost too loud. I felt every part of me vibrate to the sound waves. My feet, though firmly on the floor, absorbed the vibrating concrete floor. Now I understood what she meant when Helen Keller said she liked to go to concerts because – though she couldn't hear or see – she could feel the music.

That's what it was like for me. The music engulfed me and rocked me and despite the screaming vocals and the crying of the guitar, I felt at home. I couldn't help but wander my eyes towards Eli. He was playing the guitar like she was his lover. I watched as he stroked her and was embarrassed of myself for being turned on by that allegory.

Eli looked up from the beautiful instrument and caught my glance. He knew I had been staring and smirked and winked. He'd won. I had paid attention to him out of all the other guys that were present. He, and he alone, had captured my attention. Well, he wasn't going to win that easily. I smirked and winked back. Let the games begin, Eli.

After a few songs, the band put their instruments down and headed over to liquor table; Rachel decided we should follow as our beers were starting to lower. The guys chose their favorite potions and I accepted a drink that Mia had mixed for me. Despite the rubbing alcohol taste, it was good. And I liked the fog it created around my thoughts. My eyelids felt light and my eyelashes felt like butterflies. As if my confidence wasn't pumped up enough…

I decided that I simply could not let Eli win so easily. I sauntered over to Zach, generic red plastic cup in hand, purple-dyed vodka slushing inside like the acid in my stomach. Zach nodded and grinned at me. I stood next to him and smiled sweetly.

"Hi."

"Hello," he nodded again. He took a swig of his drink, "So, did you like what you heard?"

"Very much," I stepped closer, "Especially your vocals. I could never do that. I'm sure I'd spit up my voice box if I even attempted."

He laughed, "Where are you from, Clare?"

"Toronto," I answered, smiling at the very thought of my city – so different from this unusual place Rachel had brought me.

"I had a cousin that lived there. Tell me, Clare, is everyone there as sweet as you are?"

I blushed and answered, "Possibly."

"I doubt it. No one could be as sweet as you."

My blush deepened, and I smiled meekly before shooting a glance behind me. Eli was leaning against the red barn, alone, and staring right at me. He was frowning and his brow was squinted together. He was jealous. My plan had worked. Besides, I did like Zach. He was sweet and when was the last time I had a guy flirt with me? Much less two!

"Why thank you. May I have a sip?" I nodded towards the cup he had in his hand.

"You won't like it."

"And what makes you so sure?" I teased, sounding bolder than I was.

"It's vodka and Gatorade. I know, it tastes like piss to most people, but I like it on nights like these."

"I'll try it," I stuck out my hand and he raised an eyebrow that seemed to say: suit yourself. I took a sip and was surprised at the awful taste, but I smiled and took another, "Good choice."

Zach's eyes widened, clearly impressed. I handed back the cup and walked over to Rachel, leaving him standing there eyeing me as I walked away. I could feel his stare at my hips in my short skirt Rachel insisted that I wear. She said I had the perfect "ass" for them, though I did object. I didn't like to think of myself in that way, but she said I looked sexy. Maybe she was right.

"Hey."

"Hey," she nodded towards Zach, "What was _that_ all about?"

"Just having fun," I took another sip of my vodka drink, "That's what this night is supposed to be all about, right?"

"Yeah," Rachel nodded, "I'm impressed. You got Zach and Eli eating out of the palm of your hand. _Very nice_. You know, I like this side of you. And I think the guys do as well."

I blushed, "I do too. This is so unlike me, but I like it. I like this confidence."

"And you like having two guys fighting over you," Rachel giggled and shot a glance towards Eli who was currently walking towards us.

"What do I do?" I asked nervously.

"I think you know," Rachel lifted the cup to her lips and gave Eli a smile.

"Hey you," he wrapped his arms around me from behind and held me there. It felt so nice to be held by a guy, much less Eli. I let myself melt against him. "Did you like our music?"

"Perhaps," I winked at him, causing him to tickle me, "Stop!" I giggled and squirmed out of his grasp. He let me go and brought his nose against mine. So close he could almost kiss me. I silently begged him too, but he didn't let me have that luxury.

"You know," he whispered, "There are _much_ better guys here than Zach."

"Is that so?" I asked, "Because so far, he's the best I've seen."

"Well, I'll just have to work a bit harder. You're impossible, you know?"

"I know," I winked.

"The biggest pain in the ass."

"I know."

He growled and stormed over towards the drinks and grabbed another cup. I felt bad but it was nice. I felt a little guilty for what I was doing, but I was addicted. I had always been the girl that was made fun of in high school. Guys asked me out on dates as jokes and I often ate my lunch alone or in the library. I was a nerd who liked books and writing and didn't feel complete unless my nose was deeply buried inside a novel. No one wanted a friend – much less a girlfriend – like that. I was made fun of and alone. Until I met Rachel in college. She taught me how to do my hair and my makeup and dress my body – which I always thought was pudgy. According to her, I had the perfect boobs and butt and she told me how to show off my assets around guys. I began to feel pretty. And I liked that.

It was vein and selfish but I liked the feeling of being beautiful, being the center of attention. I was no longer invisible. It felt amazing.

After a few more drinks, the guys decided it was time to play another few songs. After drinking several cups, I was feeling light as air as I look my spot against the wall. Eli picked up his guitar, glaring at Zach the whole time. Poor Zach, on the other hand, was oblivious. He was just being sweet. I felt like I was using him, but it was just for fun. Nothing serious.

Their music filled the barn again and I felt myself sway along with it.

"How are you doing?" Rachel asked, the music was loud enough where the guys couldn't hear us, and I had the ability to answer honestly.

"I feel a bit fuzzy."

"That's normal. I meant about the guys!"

"Oh," I blushed, "I think I made Eli pretty jealous…"

"Well _of course_ you did, hon," Mia laughed, "He likes you a lot!"

"H-how do you know?" I stammered, my eyes being pulled towards him once more. He glanced up and stuck his tongue out at me, I returned the gesture.

"That's how," Rachel laughed a tinkering laugh, "And he did let me on a little secret."

"What?" My eyes went wide. What had Eli told her? I felt the butterflies start flip-flopping again. I took another drink, knowing that would cool their jets for a moment.

"Not telling," Rachel grinned, sipping her drink.

"Please," I begged, "Please! I need to know!"

"Alright, alright," Rachel held up her hand, "Eli might have maybe told me that he thinks you're really cute."

"Really?" The ego boost was just what I needed. I thought back to the shy little girl in the truck who desperately just wanted him to pay attention to her. Where had she gone?

I walked past the section where the guys were playing, pretending that I was going to grab a pack of cigarettes that were sitting on one of the amps. As I passed by, my hip nudged against Eli's and I felt him stutter a bit on the guitar.

He fumbled a bit, while the other members glared at him, wondering why their usually great guitarist was screwing up so badly.

Rachel stared in shock as I walked back towards her, not missing out on another chance. I rubbed his leg lighting with my foot before returning to Rachel and flipping the carton towards her.

"You are crazy!" Rachel giggled, "He'll _kill_ you for that."

"Aw, he'll get over it."

"He takes his music very seriously," Rachel explained, "He's a perfectionist and you just made him screw up. You're _so_ dead."

I downed the last of my current drink and Rachel gladly poured me another. I liked the reaction I made Eli have to me. I liked making him as nervous as he had originally made me.

After their song, he put down his guitar and told the guys to grab a drink. As they were laughing and boozing, he walked towards me. Rachel created some lame excuse about having to go pee, and I was left alone – once again – with Eli.

"What the _hell_ was that?" He glared at me. And I honestly thought he was angry. And perhaps he was. Served him right though.

"Nothing, just getting Rachel a cigarette." I shot him a quietly shy and innocent glance.

Eli shook his head, "Like I said: pain in the ass."

I winked at him, earning myself a playful wag of his finger.

He went to fix himself a drink and I found Zach off to the side of the unit, smoking a Marlboro cigarette. I smiled at him as I walked over towards him.

"You want one?" He asked, holding his cigarette out at me.

"No thank you," I shook my head.

"Most girls smoke when they're drunk."

"I'm not drunk."

"You sure about that?" He grinned playfully, "Well, I think we might have to fix that. Come 'ere."

Zach led me over towards the drinks and fixed two red cups, filled with straight alcohol.

"Ladies and Gents," Zach called out, "I have challenged Clare to the_ Drink of Death_ challenge!" Everyone seemed to crowd over towards us, Eli standing in the back but still watching closely. Zach handed me my cup, "Whoever finishes first, wins."

"You're on," I nodded, accepting the challenge as I saw Eli watching.

"On the count of three," Rachel began the count down. When she got to three, I put my cup up to my lips and chugged the liquid fire as fast as I could. My head was spinning, my stomach felt as though I was falling fast on a roller coaster. The pain I felt was unbearable, but I knew I had to finish. I just had to finish.

I slammed my cup down, just a second before Zach slammed his. Everyone clapped, and Zach wiped the corner of his lip with the back of his hand.

"Nice," he shook my hand, "This is the first I've ever had any real completion."

I felt myself swell with pride, but I also felt foggy and dizzy. I tried to step back, but almost lost my balance. Before I knew it, Eli was holding me up.

"Come on," he led me over to the driveway, "Just sit down, okay?" He held my hand and pulled me gently down to the cool concrete walk way leading into the barn, "You don't need to be standing up right now, alright?"

"Okay," I nodded.

"You'll be fine in a few minutes if you just sit."

I nodded again, "I think I've got it."

"You know," Eli voice changed its tone, "that was a real dumbass move back there."

"What? It was just fun."

"Yeah well, that amount of alcohol that fast…especially for someone who's new to drinking…"

"I think I can handle my alcohol, thank you very much," I snapped back. Eli held up his hands in surrender and walked back over to the others and the drinks.

He was right though, it was stupid and after sitting for a bit, I did begin to feel a tad better. After a few minutes, I felt like standing and walked over to where Eli and Mia were talking and laughing. I decided I would make it up to him. After all, what I said was a little uncalled for. He was just being protective.

I walked up to them and put my arm around his back and tickled his spine with my nails. He shivered a bit and grabbed me and turned me around. He smirked and I knew all was forgiven.

"Hey you."

"Hey," I smiled up at him.

"_Hey_," Rachel said, mocking us. She rolled her eyes, "I swear, you two are quite the pair."

"Pair?" We both asked, but she was already walking away. Eli shook his head and I continued to rub his back with my nails. Every once in a while, I'd pay close attention to an area I knew was especially sensitive. It was driving him crazy but, as the guys were close by, he tried his hardest to act tough – act like it wasn't killing him with every light touch of my nails.

I saw his shoulder twitch as I hit a rib. I smirked and copied my previous movement, and he let out a little, husky, laugh.

"Okay, okay," he tossed his bangs back out of his eyes, "You win. I'm ticklish."

"I knew it."

"But so are you!" He grabbed me and squealed.

As he was tickling me, I felt really dizzy. The alcohol was setting in again and I knew I needed to sit. He saw me falter, and quickly stopped.

"You okay, hon?"_ Hon_? I didn't even have the mind to think about the nickname.

"Yeah," I nodded, but lost my balance a bit. I knew I needed food. Food always helped in the movies and stuff. I had to get something on my stomach other than the alcohol, "I just…I need food."

Eli nodded, understandingly, "Alright. I let Alex drive my truck tonight so let me get the keys from him and I'll take you to Taco Box. Sound good?"

I nodded and couldn't wait for him to get those keys and come back. He took the band's orders and before I knew it though, he was back and holding my hand, leading me to his truck. It was a black Dodge that was a tad beat up, but I didn't mind. He held my door open and shoved me inside.

I took my seat as he slid in, but I noticed he pouted.

"What?" I asked, those puppy dog eyes making me melt once again.

"Why are you sitting _all_ the way over there?"

I smiled and slid over to the middle seat and he put his arm around me as he started the truck and backed out of the field. It felt so good to be in his arms again and I laid my head upon his chest, feeling his heartbeat quicken.

"Nervous?" I asked, trailing my fingernail on his chest.

James let out a husky…giggle? Was that a giggle? "No," He shook his head, but giggled again, pushing my hand away, "So, this is the truck."

"It's a nice truck."

"My dad and I fixed it up together when I was twelve. It's a little banged up, but it runs like magic."

"You must be very close to your dad."

"Yeah," Eli nodded, "I am. Mom too. They're really sweet. Like, super nice people. You'd love them."

"Really?"

"Mmhmm. I hope you're having fun tonight, hon," there was that darned nickname again, "I am sorry that you're not feeling one hundred percent. Your own damn fault though," he tapped my nose lightly, "no one can do that challenge…ever."

"Seems like I can handle my alcohol better than you," I teased.

"And who's the one falling over drunk?" Eli grinned down at me and again, I thought he'd kiss me, but he didn't.

"I really like your music. You're a great guitarist."

"Thank you," Eli brimmed at the compliment, "I love the band. I really do. We're gonna go far. Record labels were interested in us from the very beginning. But now they are seriously wanting us. We gave them a demo last month and they've been considering us since. You'll have to buy a CD when we make it big. Promise?"

"I promise," I swore.

"Good. We're about to Taco Box. You ever eaten there?" I shook my head.

"You'll love it," he brushed a hair from behind my ear, "My personal favorite is the beef quesadilla."

"I'll get that then."

"You'll like it."

We pulled into the parking not after a bit and he put the truck in park. I didn't even notice until he leaned down and said, "Hon, we're here."

I sighed and looked up at him, "We are?"

"Yes," he laughed a little, "Do you…wanna go in…or stay here?"

I knew we needed to go inside. I knew that I needed to get food and I knew better than to ask to stay. Who knew what could happen? With me being so wasted, a lot of mistakes could be made that night. I knew I had better judgment, but I didn't listen to it.

"I think I want to stay here a bit."

"Okay," Eli undid my seatbelt for me and I leaned forward. He brought his face down to mine and ran his tongue over my lips, knowing I was begging to be kissed. He wasn't going to let me off the hook that easily.

"You want me to kiss you, right?" Eli asked, biting at my lower lip, and I whimpered, "I've wanted to kiss you all night, sweetie but you didn't let me. You were busy making me jealous. And you think you're just gonna get away with that?"

I lifted my face closer to his.

"Please," I gave him the puppy eyes and I became as irresistible as he was.

Finally, his lips crashed against mine and we painfully kissed. I'd never been kissed painfully. He bit my tongue and my lips, just gently enough to not hurt me but enough to cause me to moan. He grinned into the kiss. He loved what he did to me.

Our tongues fought for power and wrestled with one another.

Finally, I pulled away, completely out of breath, "W-we need to go inside."

"Is that what you want?" Eli asked, and I appreciated the question. He was giving me the choice, to stay or to go on inside. If I stayed, the kissing could turn into more. If we went inside, we'd get our food and head back.

I had enough decision-making capabilities to sigh and say, "Yeah, we should go on inside."

Eli nodded, and I loved that about him even more, "Okay. Let's go. And, don't worry. If you stumble, they see drunk people in here all the time. I've got you."

"Thank you."

He helped me out of the truck and helped me through the door. I was surprised when he offered to buy me my food. I agreed though, and he continued to keep his arm around me as he paid the lady behind the counter.

"Do you know how pretty you look?" Eli whispered into my ear. My only response was to giggle. The food was finally ready and we headed back to the truck. He put the little orange bag with steaming food in the backseat and helped me up front. I scooted over to the middle seat and he crawled in next. He was just about to put the key in the ignition when I stopped him.

"Clare?" His brow furrowed.

"Wait," I put my hand over his and lowered it away from the ignition, "I mean…we don't have to back just yet, do we?"

* * *

When we returned to the barn with everyone's food, Rachel took a bite of her burrito and asked, "Why is it cold?"

Eli and I just smiled and held each other's hands a tad bit tighter.

* * *

**Author's Note: This is tough to write. I wrote this story and posted it on about a year ago, and that was hard. Rereading it again and editing it to repost as an Eclare fanfiction is equally hard. The memories flood back and take my breath away as if this were yesterday. *Sigh* I hope you guys are enjoying it. As difficult as it is to relive this stuff, I do enjoy doing so. Sometimes its good to keep these memories alive. **


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

We didn't tell her about what really happened, or how as we drove we talked a lot about everything. Talking to him had come so easily. We talked about the difficult things like politics and religion. We talked about family and friends and life. We talked a lot before arriving at the Taco Box. Talking came so naturally. Like we were long lost friends just catching up. That was part of what made my head go fuzzy and my decision making a little foggy. I had fallen dangerously fast, and by the time we arrived at the farm, everything was hazy.

Eli helped me out of the truck and I wobbled over towards the driveway and sat down. He offered me a chair, but I declined. The drive had sloshed around my stomach and I was feeling nauseous. But I had to get some food down; I had to eat.

I lifted the quesadilla to my lips and took a bite of the cold, plasticy cheese. Instantly, I regretted it. The one bit I took felt like lead in my stomach. I swayed a bit and my face grew pale. Rachel was off with Alex and I needed to talk to her, but I couldn't move. I lifted my phone from my purse and texted her, "I'm sick. Help."

Luckily, she wasn't too busy to not check her phone. She quickly left Alex and headed towards me. She placed her hand to my forehead and wrapped her arms around me.

"Oh, God," she looked really flustered, but everything was foggy and I didn't know what was going on. I could only make out a few words, "_Sick…Eli…help…carry…going home…help me…oh God…oh God."_

_"How much did you give her…how much…God…how much, Rachel?"_

_"I didn't know…I thought she could take it…I didn't…"_

_"Damn it…hospital…so sick…what did you do?"_

_"I-I don't know. She'll be fine…no hospital…she's fine."_

_"Rachel…what did you do?"_

Everything went black.

I remember being in her truck with my head as heavy as a bowling ball. I couldn't hold it up and let my neck fall back and my head roll onto the headrest. Rachel was putting the keys in the ignition.

"Sick…" I mumbled.

She handed me a Styrofoam and for once, I remember being thankful she was kind of a slob. I held the cup as close to my face as I could. I remember thinking that it was upside down. _Why did she hand it to me upside down? _I remember flipping it the right way. Only…I didn't flip it the right way. And I threw up and my puke got all over everything.

"Oh no," Rachel rolled her head back, trying to not be angry, "It's okay…it happens to everyone."

"Really? So…embarrassed…"

"It's fine," Rachel tried to sound reassuring, "You're fine."

Then I blacked out again. I don't remember anything else but waking up in the motel room and I remember being sticky and smelling like puke. I remember my hair being matted with my own throw-up and sweat and tears. I remember I felt so sore.

"Hey," Rachel placed a cold washcloth against my forehead, "How are you feeling?"

I tried to talk, but each time I did, I gagged.

"I am so sorry," Rachel pushed some matted hair out of my face, "I…I put too much vodka in your cups. I thought if I got you drunk, you'd have a good time. And you were. But I overdid it. I know I did. I said this is normal, but it's not. It's not normal to be this sick. I think I poisoned you. Oh God…Clare…oh God…"

"H-how did I…"

She knew what I was trying to ask, "You were falling over and your face was green," Rachel took in a sharp breath, "I tried to get you to my truck but you fell," I looked down at my scraped palms and knees, "pretty bad. I asked the guys to help me and…and Eli came over and he carried you…in his arms…to the truck…you were already throwing up."

"Did I throw-up…Eli…"

Rachel nodded, "Don't worry…he wasn't even mad. He put your seatbelt on and he asked me to…to get you back to the motel…safely…and I got you situated as best I could. I…I couldn't take off your clothes…you were falling everywhere…throwing up everywhere. I probably should have got you to a hospital…but I was scared…it won't last forever," Rachel turned the washcloth over, "just make it through the night…in the morning, you'll still be sick…but it won't be as bad."

"I'm so…so…sorr…"

"Shh…" Rachel smiled down at me, then I threw up again.

Eventually, I was too weak to throw up any more and I finally fell asleep. I didn't even mind the sticky mess of my clothes. I just laid my head back on the pillow and fell into the deepest sleep I have ever had. It wasn't until three in the afternoon when I awoke, groggy.

Rachel helped me get out of my clothes and set me up in a warm shower.

"I'll be right outside the door if you need me," she promised.

I slowly stepped in the shower, my brain feeling as though the blood inside it had turned to led. I felt so dizzy, and held onto the metal bar against the tile wall. The steam and the water felt so good. I turned around and let the burning water hit my back. I had to get all the grossness off of me. I couldn't stand the feel of my sticky clothes or my sticky skin or my matted hair.

Motel soap and shampoo has never been my favorite, but oh my goodness I can't even describe how grateful I was for those few little bottles.

I used all the soap and shampoo I could. And then I just stood. I let the water beat down on me. I let the steam engulf me. I just stayed in that shower, and prayed I'd never have to leave. Never have to face my mistakes of the night before. I didn't want to face the fact that I had made a fool of myself…that I'd thrown up on Eli. I couldn't face even myself.

Eventually I slid down and sat on the grimy floor of the shower – something I would have been disgusted with doing prior, but the comfort was so nice. I just sat there and let the hot water cover every inch of me. I can't even describe how I felt in there. Tears ran down my face and I didn't even bother to wipe them away.

Rachel knocked on the door to make sure I was okay. She said she had a towel and a fresh change of clothes. She also promised to brush the tangles from my hair. I had to get up and I couldn't stay in the shower forever. I knew I had to face myself.

I stood from the tub and turned off the water faucet. Opening the door, Rachel handed me a towel and it felt so amazing. My skin felt so fresh, so clean, so peaceful, but on the inside, a tornado was brewing. Inside there was ugliness and hate.

"Come on," Rachel held me in her arms and led me to the bed, and began to brush my hair.

"Eli…have you heard from him?" I asked. Surely she had. He'd want to make sure I was okay. He'd probably want to meet up one last time before we left the next day. He'd probably want to give me his phone number and hold me in his arms again. He'd make me laugh and I'd know everything was okay. But to my surprise, Rachel shook her head.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well…Eli gets scared of things sometimes. This whole thing might have been too much for him."

I noticed the phone light up next to her, indicating a new text. I snatched it before she could object, and gasped at what I saw.

The new text read, "Stop pushing it, Rachel. I don't want anything to do with her."

I clicked to see the whole conversation that went something like this:

Rachel: _Eli, hey. Sorry about everything that went down last night. Thank you for helping Clare. It means a lot. She had fun with you last night before everything._

Eli: _No. I'm done with everything that happened last night._

Rachel: _I know you like her. You told me so._

Eli: _I lied._

Rachel: _Please just meet us for lunch or something. She needs to see you and you need to see her. You have some unfinished business to talk about._

Eli: _I don't have anything to say to her._

Rachel: _Please._

And then the text I had just read.

I felt hot, sticky tears streak down my cheeks. I didn't even bother to brush them away, and let them fall in droplets onto the screen of the phone. Rachel put her arm around me and rocked me.

"What did I do wrong?" I pleaded, "I-I thought he liked me."

"I don't understand him," she tried to comfort me, "No one does. He just…he gets freaked out when stuff gets tough. He can't handle some things like others can. He probably just got scared and wants to forget everything that happened last night. And you should too. You should move on and pretend this whole weekend didn't happen."

"But…Rachel…"

"Shh…just forget it. I'll take you out to eat and we can head home a day earlier. Don't worry…just forget all of this. Please. It's no good to keep it all inside. Eli, the party, the liquor, the sickness…forget it."

"But…"

"What is it?" Rachel asked.

"Rachel…" I mustered every little ounce of courage I possibly could, "Rachel…I slept with him."

* * *

**Author's Note: Okay, so THAT didn't happen in real life, but just remember how much Clare's purity means to her. Something to keep in mind in regards to Eli's effect on her. **


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**

"You _WHAT_?" Rachel asked, her eyes wide. She was staring at me as if I had just sprouted a second head and my face was covered in purple polka dots. I hung my head, embarrassed by what I had done and said. I wished I could just take those words back. If I hadn't said it out loud, maybe it wouldn't be real. But I had said it. And now it was real. I had slept with Eli.

Maybe it hadn't happened. Maybe it was just a dream. Everything was fuzzy last night...but I distinctly remembered...oh God. It was real. I had slept with Eli. I felt my blood bubble and boil inside my veins. I had never been so embarrassed in my whole life. I felt complete and utter mortification at what I had just done. I shook my head, not wanting to tell Rachel the rest, not wanting to make it any more real than it already was.

"Clare, spill," Rachel begged, "What happened last night? Did he hurt you?"

"I-I slept with him."

"When? Clare, please talk to me," Rachel pleaded, "I want to know what happened. What did he do to you?"

"He...he didn't do anything. I...I wanted to. I wanted to sleep with him, Rachel."

"Oh, Clare!"

"W-when we went to go to Taco Box. We talked the whole way over there and then when we got there…w-we kissed," I couldn't help but stammer, the words seem to catch in my throat and seemed to not even be my own, "And it was amazing," I blushed and Rachel nodded at me, urging me to go on, "A-and he asked me if I wanted to go inside o-or stay in the truck…and I thought…I really did think…I was making the right decision when I said…I said to go inside."

"So what changed your mind?" Rachel asked.

"We got back in the car and I don't know…I don't know if it was…if it was the alcohol or the kissing…but I felt so dizzy…my head was spinning…and we just…we slept together."

"Wow," Rachel pulled me into a hug that I so desperately needed.

It had happened so fast. We had just been kissing, but then one thing led to another. It wasn't like he hadn't given me a chance to stop him; he kept asking if I was sure, and if everything was okay. And it was okay. I remember making love with him in the backseat of his truck. I had thought it was romantic at the time. Now I felt like it was the dirtiest of things I could have ever done.

I lost my virginity in the back of Eli's black Dodge pickup truck. I'd forever have to live with that - the fact that I had gotten drunk and lost my virginity to, apparently, someone who was nothing more than a one-night-stand. I felt sick. I felt like I was going to throw up again.

I could have stopped him. I could have stopped him so many times...but I didn't. I didn't do anything except ask for more. I felt the bile creep back up my throat and I gagged. Rachel handed me the trashcan and I threw up for the hundredth time. I didn't know I even had so much in me to throw up. I felt sick at the thought. Then it hit me.

This was my punishment. I was being punished for losing my virginity in a drunken haze with a guy I had just met. A guy I knew nothing about! I deserved this. I deserved to feel this sick.

"Hon?" Rachel asked, and for a second I thought it was Eli who had said it, "Hon, talk to me," she shook my shoulder gently, and suddenly I remembered where I was and what had happened.

"Huh?"

"Clare, you spaced out for a bit. Talk to me. Please. Tell me what's going through your head right now."

"I-I slept with Eli, Rachel. I gave my virginity away to him. And now he doesn't even want anything to do with me. How could I have been so stupid…so stupid to actually think…to think he liked me. Rachel, I wear a purity ring, for goodness' sakes. A purity ring! My virginity…I just threw it away on a guy who doesn't even…who doesn't even give a damn about me."

Rachel sighed and said, "Hon, Eli is an odd kid, alright? He might have meant well last night. And I know he did like you. But he's probably just overwhelmed. Can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure," I nodded, hoping that whatever she had to tell me would cheer me up.

"Eli was a virgin too," Rachel confided, "and so he was probably just as terrified as you were. And then you got so sick and I think he just bailed. Guys can't handle anything like we girls can. Guys get scared and take off. They think everything would be okay if they just escape the situation in general."

"I don't understand..."

"Eli...he can't handle certain situations. It's always been a curse of his. He just...he tends to feel things more intensely than most people. I know he really liked you, and he probably rushed into sex just as you did, and realized it was a mistake. He's probably scared and freaked and angry at himself. If anything...if anything he is more angry at himself."

"What do you mean?"

"He's angry at himself because he probably thinks he took advantage of you. I'll try to talk with him once he calms down. I am so sorry, Clare. I shouldn't have brought you to that party. I thought you'd have fun - and you did - but things just got...out of hand. I am so sorry. Just...try and forget Eli for now..."

"B-but I liked him so much."

"I know, honey," Rachel sat up and grabbed the hairbrush and slowly raked it through my thick tangles, "Let's go home today. We will grab lunch and then take off – get out of this town and go home. Then, you can be away from Grayberry and away from Eli. And honestly, I think that's just what you need."

"I can never forget him," I rubbed a tear out of my eye, "I can't."

"It'll be tough but…"

"How can I forget the guy that I first had sex with?"

Rachel didn't answer my question, just sighed thoughtfully and continued to rake the brush through my hair, the tangles unraveling. Once my hair was all combed and the tangles diminished, Rachel began packing up our things. I curled up in a ball on the bed, not even noticing the tears the poured like waves from the horizon of the ocean.

My nose was dripping and red and I knew I looked like a complete mess. Couldn't I just crawl back into the steaming shower? I wished so terribly that I could just take a big Magic Eraser, and rub the memories of last night from my mind. I knew I had held the power to stop him in the palm of my hand, but I didn't stop him. I loved the attention. I loved the sex. I didn't even try denying that.

But, in the back of my mind, I felt like I had been raped.

Eli had come into my life and raped my thoughts. He haunted me like a ghost and I knew he always would. He had taken the most important thing to me, and I wondered if I had done the same to him. The wave of guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt smashed and destroyed in a pile of rubble that I could not surface from.

I was drowning. The waves pounding over my head.

I crawled out of my fetal position, unwrapping myself from my body, and grabbed the notepad and pen from the side of the bed. Writing had always been a release for me. It was a healing medicine for me. I began to scrawl madly on the little piece of parchment. Rachel noticed and looked over my shoulder.

She began to read out loud my little drabble:

_It didn't take but a glance  
for you to make me smile  
and then you stole my eyes  
and captured my heart  
and raped my thoughts  
and don't you know  
what you do to me  
when you look my way and cause my heart to sway_

"It'll be okay," Rachel tried to sound comforting after she had finished reading my poem, "It will be, I promise."

I somehow couldn't believe that. He was in my mind and he'd never leave. My thoughts were not my own anymore. He had stolen them from me and snuck inside. Whenever I tried to comprehend a thought, he'd creep inside and devour it and mutilate it.

Rachel pulled out her phone and began texting someone. My heart sank.

"Don't worry, it's just Alex," she said, "He wants to know if you're okay and be sure we got back safely."

"Is that all?" I asked, knowing a bit better.

"He also said he tried to talk to Eli but Eli hung up the phone on him – something he'd never do. You had some kind of powerful effect on him," Rachel shook her head, tossing the phone on to the bed, "I've never known him to act like this."

I knew she was trying to help me feel a tad bit better, but her attempts were futile. I could hardly wait to leave Grayberry behind. It felt like forever – though I knew she was rushing – before the bags were packed and we were headed out the door.

Once in the truck, Rachel promised she'd take me out to one of her favorite restaurants. It was a little Italian place with some generic name. I could tell it was a few pegs away from Olive Garden, but it was still nice to just sit and enjoy a nice plate of Spaghetti before heading off. I couldn't eat much, but what I did be able to finish, tasted amazing.

Just as we were about to get our check, Rachel got a phone call. I couldn't make out what the voice on the other end was saying, but I got the gist of the conversation.

"Hey," Mia answered, her voice sounding a little agitated, "Yeah, we are…don't even start; you're the one that said you didn't want anything to do with her…I'm not letting you…you'll just hurt her more…yeah you dumbass, _you_ hurt her…just, just leave us alone…" she hung up the phone.

"Eli?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Apparently he decided he wanted to see you."

I shook my head, "Is he Bipolar or something?" I asked, "Seriously! He can't do this to me. I'm not a roller coaster ride."

"I know," Rachel sighed, "let's go."

My pain and brokenness turned to anger. A fire burned within me from him. And not in a good way. I hated him. I completely and utterly hated him. I was thankful I wouldn't be seeing him again.

Before we stood up from the booth, I scrawled some lines of a napkin.

_And yes darling, what we had was amazing  
that concert under the stars  
the vein in your neck pulsating to a love song  
passion stirred in the breeze  
and the wind kicked at the leaves  
but darling, it had to come to end  
and thank goodness it did  
or else you would have become just another  
damn regret_

He was out of my life forever. And it felt good! He wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore. As much as it did hurt me to come to this realization, I knew it was a realization that needed to be made. I couldn't let him hurt me again. I wasn't a toy he could just play with when he was bored and then discard for another day. No way was I going to do that.

I thought back to my foolish thoughts of wanting to be with him, wanting to see him. I thought he'd make everything better. But he wouldn't. The only one that could make everything better would be me.

I snatched the napkin off the table and stuffed it into my purse, along with my little sheet of motel notepad paper. Then, followed Rachel out the doors and to the car, and before I knew it – out of Grayberry.

I didn't even look back as we passed the road sign saying, "Now Leaving Grayberry." I couldn't bring myself to. Instead, I kept my eyes on the road in front of us and desperately tried to leave behind the memories of Mayberry and Eli.


	6. Chapter Five

_**Ten Years Later…**_

**Chapter Five**

I stared down at the engagement ring on my finger on my left ring finger. It was a beautiful ring, sparkly and always catching the light – a rainbow ballet. It was very beautiful…maybe _too_ beautiful. Was that possible? Was it possible for something to be too beautiful? I nibbled on my bottom lip, staring at the diamond, watching how it reflected the light into rainbows. It _was_ very beautiful.

"Clare, is breakfast ready?"

"Huh?"

"Spacing out again?" Lyndon asked, straightening his Armani tie, "Oh, you've been admiring that ring again, haven't you? I did pretty good on that, didn't I? How many carats, Clare?"

"Four," I blushed, hating how he made me say it, "Your breakfast is almost ready. Do you want me to pour you some coffee?"

"Yes, but put it in a thermos. I don't have time to sit and drink coffee. It's already a quarter after seven, and I have got to get to the office. Oh, that reminds me," I pulled some creamer out of the fridge and added it to the thermos, "I am going out for drinks with the guys from the firm. I'll be out late, so I don't want you to wait up; but I will want something to eat when I get in."

"You won't get dinner while you're out?" I asked, pouring the coffee into the thermos and giving the eggs a toss with the spatula.

"Is it a _problem_ to fix something?" Lyndon asked, and I could tell by his voice that he was clearly annoyed with me. Why had I even said anything? Ever since I quit my job at the paper, I had been bored with just sitting around the house. Cooking a meal for him would give me something to do.

"No, not at all. I was just wondering," I quickly recovered, screwing the lid onto the thermos and scooping the eggs out of the skillet, "What do you want me to cook for you?"

"You make a delicious pot pie from scratch. Do that."

"From…scratch? Lyndon…you know I only make that on special occasions."

"Is it a problem?"

"No…not at all," I smiled a tight smile and tried my best to look convincing, "Where are you going for drinks?"

"Clare, can't you let a man eat breakfast in peace? I am going to have a hectic day at the firm, and I do not need this inquisition, alright? Why don't you go…do your yoga or something."

Wonderful. Thank you, oh so kind fiancé. I'll get right on that.

"Actually, I think I am going to go take a bath."

"Okay," Lyndon waved me away.

"Come on, Claudio," I patted my thigh and beckoned the goldendoodle who was currently taking up residence under the kitchen table, "Come with Mommy."

Claudio eagerly followed me upstairs. Once we were inside the bedroom, I shut and locked the door behind me. Finally, I was alone. Claudio hopped up on the bed, knowing full well that it was not something he could ever do when Lyndon was around. I didn't mind though. Claudio was my baby. He was welcome anywhere.

"I am going to take a nice relaxing bath, Claudio."

The goldendoodle sneezed his response and I rubbed behind his ear, "Good boy," I cooed, "That's my good boy. Want to listen to listen to your namesake?" The dog's head lifted up, and I couldn't help but smile as I turned on the iPod speakers. Soon, Coheed and Cambria echoed throughout the bedroom. Hopefully Lyndon was already gone…

I disappeared into the adjoining bathroom and flipped the switch to the chandelier above the Jacuzzi tub. It was a beautiful bathroom, and one of my favorite things about this whole house. I drew some hot water, and began to fill the tub after dumping in some lavender and vanilla bath salts. Already, I felt at peace. This was my personal oasis – Lyndon couldn't ruin this for me.

Once the water was up to the jets, I flipped the switch by the sink and the water began to bubble and boil. Perfection. I untied the bathrobe and slid into the frothy tub. This was my heaven. I could escape everything in this bath. But escape what? Wasn't I happy with my life? I was twenty-nine and engaged to a very prominent lawyer. A lot of girls would dream of the kind of life I had. Heck, Lyndon had proposed to me at the top of the Eiffel Tower. How many girls could say that? Wasn't this what I wanted?

I sighed and closed my eyes, letting the sounds of Claudio's voice and the vanilla and lavender lull me.

_"What's your favorite band?"_

_ "Easy. Coheed and Cambria."_

_ "I haven't heard of them."_

_ "Here, push that button there on the stereo. I have their CD in."_

_ "This button?"_

_ "Yeah. So…what do you think?"_

_ "I like them. I like them a lot."_

_ "I figured you would. They are my all-time favorite."_

I jerked myself awake. _Whoa_. Where the hell had _that_ come from? I shook my head and slapped myself lightly in the face. I didn't just…I couldn't have…I hadn't thought of him in years. Why did he just creep back into my memory?

After my bath, I dried off and put my robe back on. It took me a moment, after that memory, to remember what today was. Today, my best friend Ali and I would be making our last visit to my apartment to clear some of my stuff out. Lyndon kept bugging me about it, saying stuff like:

"No fiancé of mine is going to live in that rat hole."

I didn't know how I felt about that. That was the apartment I had lived in since I was a junior in college. There were a lot of memories in that apartment, and now I was being asked to put those all away. It was weird to think about. I hadn't visited my apartment in months, but knowing it was always there was…comforting for some reason.

After getting dressed and blow-drying my hair, I put on some makeup. When I finally decided I was presentable enough, I headed back out to the bedroom and pulled my phone out of the iPod speakers to give Ali a call.

"Hey!" Her voice was instant assurance, "What's up?"

"Hey, Ali. I was just wondering what time you wanted to go to the apartment."

"Any time really. Whenever works for you. Today is my day off thanks to that spill at the lab. I'm free all day."

"How about now?"

"Now?"

"I kind of just want to get this over with," I explained, "Please?"

"I get it. I'll pick you up in fifteen minutes?"

After thanking her and hanging up the phone, Claudio and I headed back downstairs. The house seemed so empty and quiet that I couldn't stand it. It was driving me completely insane. I hated being here alone. Ali worked at the pharmaceutical lab downtown, and Lyndon was always at the office. It was just Claudio and me.

"Not that I mind you," I said, petting him again.

As I was waiting on Ali, it hit me how grateful I was for her. She didn't have to come over and help me move the last of my stuff out, but she was. When I had gone off to college, I had missed her terribly. She was off at MIT and having a blast. I couldn't help but feel left behind. When we both graduated, we really reconnected. Now, I can't imagine how I lived without her for four years.

_I didn't._

Her silver Volvo pulled up into our circular drive, and I gave Claudio a kiss on the head goodbye before running out to meet her.

"Hey," she waved as I slipped into the passenger seat, "Are you sure you're ready to do this?"

No. I wasn't. That apartment was my home. But I knew I would have to leave it behind at some point. Today was my some point.

"Aw, Clare," Ali jutted out her bottom lip, "We don't have to do this today…"

"Yes we do. Lyndon's been bothering me about it, and if I don't do it now, I am afraid I never will. I have to do this today."

"Okay," Ali didn't look very sure of my response, but she backed out of the driveway and headed towards my old apartment complex, "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. Today was a usual morning: woke up, fixed coffee, fixed breakfast."

"You sound so bored. Why did Lyndon ask that you quit your job?"

"He said no future wife of his was going to have to work. He insisted that I quit my job."

"And you agreed to that?"

I felt knots form in the pit of my stomach, "Yeah."

"I just worry about you, Clare. I mean, Lyndon seems like a great guy and all, I just don't want you to lose yourself. You did that once, babe. I don't want to see that happen again."

I winced, knowing she was right. When Ali and I reconnected, we sat down together and talked about everything. I told her all about my friendship with Rachel, and what had happened that night with Eli. I told her all about getting drunk, and about sleeping with him. I also told her about how Rachel was the one that had given me alcohol poisoning, and how after that, she tried to get me to hook up with a bunch of random guys to get my mind off of Eli.

I felt like I was losing myself. I was becoming more and more the person she wanted me to be, and less of the person I really was. I hated how we couldn't go anywhere without her trying to set me up with some guy, or how she wanted me to dress and act like her – right down to wanting to dye my hair. I felt so lost. I felt like I wasn't myself anymore.

Finally, I just had to end the friendship with her. I felt like I had lost myself in that friendship. Not to mention after that graduation party, after she had promised she'd take care of me and watch out for me and not let me drink too much, I felt like I could never trust her again. After losing her as a friend, I sunk into a state of loneliness and depression. I felt so alone at the university. I spent my days in classes and my nights with my nose in my books. With Ali gone and Rachel out of my life, I felt utterly alone. That was when I had met Lyndon – the older, handsome law student who, for some reason, took interest in me.

I would never understand that one. During my depression, I had ended up gaining thirty pounds that I just couldn't lose. It bothered me, and I know it bothers Lyndon when he sees old pictures of me. To this day, I still don't know what he saw into me. Maybe I never will. All I did know was that he saw something, and we had been together ever since.

"I won't lose myself," I promised as we neared my apartment complex, "Ali, thank you for this."

"What are BFFs for anyways?" Ali shrugged, "You know I'm always here for you, right Clare?"

"I know. I missed you."

"Oh hush. That was years ago, babe. We picked right up where we left off. I am sorry I got caught up in my MIT stuff. I did let it get to my head sometimes. I am just sorry I lost those four years away from you. But we're friends again now. That's what matters. Look, here we are."

I smiled as we pulled up to the familiar building. I had lived here for years. To part with this place…I couldn't imagine it. It did feel weird, returning after having been gone for months. Since I had moved in with Lyndon shortly after our engagement, it didn't seem necessary to come over here. And when I did, it bothered him.

"Ready to do this?" Ali asked, pulling the car into a parking spot.

"I have to."

Together, we headed up the stairs to my third story apartment. I remember hating those stairs when I had first moved in. I had come to love the views though of the forest behind the complex. I would miss that view…

I dug the key out of my purse and jiggled it in the lock. The door swung open and I was taken aback. Most of the furniture had been cleared out slowly over the months, with an exception for the furniture that had been here to begin with.

"What are we here to do?" Ali asked, puzzled, "It looks like everything is already gone."

"I guess just make sure I didn't leave anything behind," I shrugged.

We walked through the house checking the drawers and cabinets.

"I'll check the bedroom," Ali announced before disappearing into the back of the apartment. I sighed and stood in the kitchen, remembering my days of Easy Mac and Ramen Noodles.

"Clare," Ali called from the bedroom, "What's this?"

"What's what?" I asked, heading towards the back to see what she could have found.

"I think it's a poem. It was in your old dresser."

"Let me see," she handed me the folded up piece of notebook paper. The pencil led was faded so that I almost couldn't read it, but I remembered what it said, "No way…"

"What? What is it?" Ali asked peering over my shoulder.

"It's just…an old poem I wrote several years ago."

"Well read it, silly," Ali nudged me.

_"Oh my God, you're parked in the middle of a fucking lake, silly!"_

"Clare?"

"Huh?"

"You were spacing out," Ali touched my shoulder with a manicured hand, "Read the poem."

"Oh, this old thing is nothing. You don't want to…"

"If you won't, I will."

I glared at her for a moment and we stared down over the future of the poem. Finally I gave in, cleared my throat, and began to read:

_I know we weren't all that we could be  
or all that we should be  
but I know there was something hidden amongst the pages  
we weren't just lusty, passionate kisses  
or clichéd, across-the-room stares_

_star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight  
the bed is cold  
the night is dark  
please star light  
star bright  
can I make a sigh on you tonight_

_the regret sets in  
the emptiness settles  
the smoke is lifted  
pain sharp as nettles  
where did you go  
why did I chase you away  
all I wanted was for you to stay_

_star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight_

_the vodka flowed  
the butterflies filled my stomach  
the music blasted  
my heart swooned  
the drums blasted  
the guitar cried  
and I slowly watched as what we could have been  
died_

_star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight_

_your lips were sweet  
your promises sugar  
your arms warm  
your smile a star  
you were perfection  
bottled up in a mess  
I never knew how hard I was falling  
I could never even guess_

_Star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight_

_The sickness came  
the poison settled  
with that last shot, I shouldn't have meddled  
my eyes grew heavy  
your tongue on mine, making me dizzy  
I guess I just wasn't very liquor-savvy  
you took care of me  
held me in your arms  
got me home safely  
though I just couldn't see  
the pain that would come  
at the end of the dream  
we were falling apart  
unraveling at the seam_

_Star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight_

_You invaded my dreams  
captured my thoughts  
little did I know  
how soon I would be distraught  
you filled my mind  
and my heart  
I was so happy until in the morning I'd find  
I was nothing, just a shadow of a something  
you wanted nothing to do  
with that one night fling  
I was erased  
a fragment of a memory  
and now I know what I wished we were  
could never be_

_Star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight_

_And maybe you're just scared  
and don't know what to do  
but baby, don't you know  
I would have given all to you  
you made me feel  
brought my heart to life  
was it even worth all this pain?  
All this strife?  
What I felt was strong  
what I felt was new  
maybe it was too much  
but I know it's true  
baby, I'm one hundred percent  
crazy for you  
and maybe what you're feeling is the same  
maybe you want me  
maybe you dream  
of a time before  
we unraveled at the seam_

_Star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight_

_This story doesn't have  
what a story needs  
a beginning, a middle, and an end  
off of heartbreak do the chapters feed  
its perfection  
bottled up in a mess  
the ending comes before beginning  
and the beginning doesn't even exist  
the middle is tears  
the pages are kisses  
the chapters are my hand in yours  
and the binding, our fears_

_Star light  
star bright  
can I make a wish on you tonight_

_And it's late at night  
and I'm telling myself to go to bed  
and I'm fighting and trying with  
all of my might  
to get you out of my head  
your invasions come at the wrong times  
my thoughts no longer seem to be mine  
all I want is peaceful sleep  
but you'll come in and conquer my dreams  
and I will awake  
with a pillow drowning in tears  
and in the morning  
another smile I will fake  
and I'll pretend it never happened  
that you don't exist  
even thought all I want to do  
is bottle up my heart to send to you  
and I will try to concentrate  
on my stupid algebra  
but y+x=z  
just doesn't add up  
the same as  
love=you+me  
our fairytale equation just doesn't exist  
no matter how much I lie awake and wish_

_Star light  
star bright  
will it even make any difference  
if I wish on you tonight?_

"It's about him, isn't it?" Ali winced, and all I could do was nod, "There are others in that drawer."

"Let me see."

Ali handed me a stack of folded up pieces of notebook paper. The memories came flooding back sharply and I felt dizzy as I scanned over my pieces of shit poems I had written in the name of him.

_Today I saw a wishing well  
and thought casually, what the hell  
so I dug in my purse and withdrew a copper coin  
and before I let it fall into the water and with the others join,  
I clutched the thing in my hands, closed my eyes,  
and while my heart cries  
I said a little prayer before dropping the penny into the well  
of course, here I am, and your still there; I think the damn thing's broken  
oh hell!_

Ali let out a soft chuckle as I read that one. I couldn't help but smile. The next one wasn't quite as witty, and it took on a darker tone.

_Hello you  
Remember me  
I am the one that filled your dreams  
You are the one that gave my heart wings  
But alas the dreams have all died out  
The wings clipped  
The heart falls  
Crashing to the floor  
A bloody ball  
You scream in your sleep  
Why did it have to end  
Why then  
Did you let it come to an end_

And lastly, there was:

_bruises fade__  
__i suppose the ones on my heart will too__  
__and someday soon__  
__there will be a scar__  
__that i do not want to fade away__  
__because that scar is a memory__  
__of the good, and the hurt__  
__but forever it will remain__  
__a reminder of the good__  
__and a reminder of the bad__  
__this scar will be on my heart__  
__- your name will be on my heart -__  
__forever._

That one stuck with me. I had vowed in that poem that I would never forget him, yet somehow throughout all these years, I had been able to…until today. Today, he had come into my thoughts during one of my most private of moments. Today, I had found all my old poems in dedication to him. Today, I remembered.

"Do you want to talk about him?" Ali asked.

"Not today," I just couldn't bring myself to, "Is there anything else in that drawer."

"Only this," Ali handed me a waded up piece of paper that had gotten mangled between the drawers. It was an old photograph.

A few weeks after everything that had happened, after the angry hatred had cooled into wistful longing, I had totally creeped on his Facebook. I had found that picture, a professional picture taken of him for the band's website. He was wearing a green t-shirt, and his eyes and most of his face were hidden in shadows, an effect that the photographer had added. None of the other band members' pictures had those shadows – but his did. It was the only picture I had had of him. I had printed it off, and shoved it in the back of my underwear drawer along with those stupid poems, to be forgotten…until today.

"That's him, isn't it?" Ali asked, peering over my shoulder at the picture, "Eli."

"_Eli_," it was the first time I had said his voice out loud in ten years.


	7. Chapter Six

**Author's Note: Those poems in the previous chapter were poems I had written when trying to get over my own "Eli." They weren't just written for the story, they were written when I was crying myself to sleep at night. I am no poet, but I hope they could help you capture the emotion.**

* * *

**Chapter Six**

That night I sat at my computer, listening to music on YouTube, and found myself logging onto my old Facebook account. I hadn't used that account in years, and I had no idea what prompted me to do so, but I looked under my friend's list. Sure enough, I still had the rest of the band added as friends. All except for Eli. I had sent him a friend request when I added the rest of the band, but it had gone ignored. I clicked on Zach. He was engaged as well to a pretty blonde thing with blue eyes and freckles. They looked cute together, and I genuinely hoped he was happy. As I was scrolling through his profile, I discovered that he was in a different band called Sex Cherry. I rolled my eyes at the name, but clicked on the band's Facebook link despite myself.

Alex, Nick, and Zach were all in the band, but they had found a new guitarist. His name was Chad. Chad? _Seriously_? My brow furrowed as I clicked on his own Facebook. I felt like such a creeper scrolling through Facebook like this, but I needed to know. I needed to know if Eli was still in the band. It didn't look like it. A sharp pang jolted through my heart as I was taken back to another time and another place.

_"Will Eli be here?" I asked nervously, glancing around the small apartment complex we had just pulled up to. Rachel adjusted her hair and turned to me._

_ "How's my lipstick?"_

_ "Rach, will Eli be there?" It had been about a month since the graduation party, and the wounds Eli had inflicted had yet to heal. _

_ "Probably not. This is Nick and Alex's apartment. They tend to only invite friends over." _

_ "What's that supposed to mean?"_

_ "It means they don't really hang out with Eli outside of the band now. Alex said he gets too controlling about practices and gets too serious about it. Sometimes the guys would just like to hang out without Eli riding their asses."_

_ "Oh."_

_ We got inside the apartment to find a large, long table set up in the middle of the living room with cups of beer positioned strategically across it._

_ "Clare's on my team!" I heard someone shout out, only to find myself pulled into a hug by Nick._

_ "Hey Nick," I smiled at him, "I don't know about this though…I haven't really drunk since that night. I don't know how great of a teammate I'll be…"_

_ "Oh it's fine. Come on. Tell you what, I'll drink what you can't, okay?"_

_ "Um…okay."_

_ So we played several rounds of beer pong. I was absolutely horrible at it; so horrible at it that Nick started to congratulate me when I was able to keep my ping pong ball actually in the vicinity of the table. Soon high-fives turned to hugs and hugs turned this totally awkward victory dance we had originated, involving hip bumps. _

_ After our match, we ended up losing terribly, Nick nudged me, "Come outside. I need to smoke."_

_ "Um…okay."_

_ I followed him outside towards the courtyard of the apartment complex. It was overgrown with weeds strangling what little plants might have once tried to grow there. The grass was sharp and brittle against my bare feet, but I followed him over to the picnic table in the center of the courtyard. _

_ "Check out the stars tonight," Nick lit a cigarette and lifted it to his lips, "Fucking gorgeous."_

_ "I love the stars. Can you imagine what the night sky must have looked like thousands of years ago? Before all of our light pollution."_

_ "Humans have to ruin everything," he puffed out a cloud of smoke, and I tried not to gag, "I bet it would have been stunning. Not as beautiful as the girl I have sitting next to me though."_

_ "Nick…" I blushed, knowing how dangerous this was. I couldn't be doing this. This was…this was so dangerous. Just a month ago, I had these same feelings for Eli, right? What was I doing? I knew it was a bad idea to return to Grayberry, but somehow I had been talked into it. Now here I was, sitting on a picnic table with Nick, feeling as though anything could happen._

_ "It's true, Clare," he put out his cigarette, "You're beautiful."_

_ "Thank you," I tried to keep my heart calm, but I just couldn't. Before I knew it, Nick had his hand cupping my face and was bringing my lips to his. I didn't stop it. I could have, once again, but didn't. Instead, I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back._

_ He caught my lower lip between his teeth, enticing a moan. I swear, I felt like my head was filled with the stars in the sky at that moment._

_ "Hey, Clare, I'm ready to head home," Rachel called from the doorway, "Oh."_

_ "It's okay. I should uh…be going," I turned to Nick, then back to Rachel, "Can I have a minute?"_

_ "Sure. I'll wait."_

_ "Nick…"_

_ "It's fine. Go."_

_ "You sure?" I asked, "I am really sorry…"_

_ "It's fine. Give me one kiss more before you leave. Just to remember you by."_

_ "Deal."_

_ We kissed once more before I hopped off the picnic table to meet up with Rachel. She was standing inside the apartment, an eyebrow raised._

_ "What are you, the groupie now?"_

_ "No, I just…Nick and I…we got carried away."_

_ "Sure."_

_ On the ride back, I couldn't help but think about Nick. That kiss was amazing. That kiss was…indescribable. But it seemed to pale in comparison to the kisses I had shared with Eli. I wanted to kiss Eli again. I wanted to hear his voice again, and see his smile…_

_ "You know what," Rachel grinned, turning up the AC in the truck._

_ "What?"_

_ "I'm proud of you. You're forgetting about Eli. That's good, Clare."_

I shook my head and took another sip of my tea. That memory felt as though it had occurred yesterday. I exited out of Facebook before I started digging up more old wounds. It was getting late, and I still needed to fix dinner for Lyndon. What was it he said he wanted? Oh yes, lamb pot pie from scratch. I rolled my eyes and shut off my computer before heading into the kitchen.

"Oh don't look at me like that," I glared at Claudio, "You know certainly well that it was perfectly harmless to get on Facebook. Besides, I just wanted to see how everyone is doing. They have a new band you know," I said, getting out the ingredients for the pastry crust, "It didn't hurt anyone."

Claudio sneezed.

"You know, mutt, I used to be quite pretty back then," I said, "Mmhmm. I can honestly say there was a time in which I had a whole band chasing me. But the only person I wanted wouldn't give me the time of day. How ironic is that?"

Another sneeze…and a wheeze. My poor baby and his allergies.

"There was another time I saw him, Claudio. I tried to forget but I couldn't. It's a strange memory. Then again, it was a strange night."

As I mixed together the flour and water, I was taken back to yet another time and place. I was standing in the middle of an old warehouse with Rachel. The guys were participants in a Battle of the Bands. It was three months after my first meeting with Eli. Nick had brought a girl along with him, but that didn't stop him from smiling and waving at me as Rachel and I walked through the door.

_"There's Eli," Rachel hissed, "Just stay away from him alright. Don't talk to him. Don't look at him. Just ignore the fact that he is here and enjoy yourself. Have fun. There's Zach. And he doesn't have a date. Maybe you can hang out with Zach?"_

_ Ignore Eli? If only it was as easy as Rachel made it sound. I couldn't possibly just ignore Eli and have tonight knowing we were under the same roof for the first time since that graduation party. I was a huge mess of nerves. Rachel led me over to where some of the guys were and we all exchanged smiles and small talk and laughter. Eli was standing off to the side talking to a group of girls in tube tops and shorts that didn't seem to be covering much of anything. Wonderful. I wonder which one of them he is sleeping with…maybe all of them?_

_ I tried to shake the thought from my head as I continued to laugh and talk with the guys. Zach said some lame joke, and Alex punched him lightly in the forearm. I was starting to have fun. Maybe Rachel was right. Maybe I could just ignore Eli and focus on having fun. It didn't seem that hard now._

_ The battle started, and one band took the stage. The prize was $500 and bragging rights. Zach explained to me how it didn't seem like much, but it'd buy a new amp or something. As the band played, we moved out to the center of the warehouse to listen. Some guys started moshing, and failed. There wasn't really enough people there for it to work, and one of them ended up tripping over his own feet and falling to the ground. There was no more moshing after that._

_ As I stood out on the floor swaying back and forth, I noticed Eli leaning against the wall across from me. I could feel his stare digging into me, and I couldn't help but turn and look at him. I knew I shouldn't have. What the heck had happened to ignoring him? But I had done it. I had turned and looked at him, and once again, I was hooked. Uh-oh._

_ We didn't smile. We didn't wave. We just stared at each other. We acknowledged each other's presence, and that was all I could really hope for. Who was I to want more? I knew more was dangerous. I remembered all the trouble more had gotten me into a few months prior. Nope, I was perfectly fine with silently acknowledging each other's presence. It was like through our stares we were saying, "I see you. You see me. You're here. I'm here. So be it."_

_ I turned away from him, breaking our stare that lasted, embarrassingly, through an entire song. The next song began, and I continued to sway to the music. I had no rhythm but the music was loud and easy to match the beat with the vibrations under my feet. As I was swaying, I felt something jut out and nudge my leg._

_ I turned to see Eli walking back over to his wall, but before he reached it and the girls there, he turned around and smiled a huge smile at me. I realized he had come over to me - he had actually abandoned his wall and his girls, and actually came over to me - and nudged my leg with the toe of his shoe. On top of that, he had gifted me with one of the most precious gifts I could ever ask for – his smile. But the whole thing was very awkward. It was as if we wanted to talk to each other, but we didn't know how so things just were awkward and tension thick. Was this his way of trying to get my attention? My head swam with confusion. I matched his smile though, and sent him a wave that went ignored. _

_ "What was _that_?" Rachel pulled me off the main floor, over to the opposite wall where the rest of The Rage Pilots stood._

_ "I don't know," I said honestly, "I-I don't know."_

_ "What part of ignore him don't you get?"_

_ "I-I just…"_

_ "You're impossible," Rachel hissed in my ear, "Can't you just listen to me?"_

_ Not when what you ask me to do is impossible. How can I just ignore Eli? How can I just pretend he doesn't exist when clearly he does, and when clearly he's still got this huge magnetic pull on my heart? How can I just ignore that, Rachel? Please, enlighten me._

_ "I'm sorry," was all I could say._

_ She kept me by her side for the most part of the night. When it was time for The Rage Pilots to take the stage, they set up the equipment and I noticed that Eli's girls were helping them set up. Yup, total groupies. And Rachel had called _me_ a groupie? Ha!_

_ They began to play the music I had recognized from the graduation party. I tried to watch Zack. I really did. I even kept my eyes on him for half of one whole song…but then I lost it. Eli was right there, a few feet away, playing his heart out. How could I just ignore that?_

_ I kept my eyes locked on him. I couldn't help it. I really couldn't. Like I said: magnetic pull. Paper clips don't want to be drawn to magnets, but they are anyways and can't do a darned thing about it. So here I am, standing here, watching Eli play the guitar as if he is just the greatest thing in the whole world._

_ He glanced up from his guitar and out into the crowd. I felt my heart clench and my throat tighten, but I kept my eyes level on him. Slowly, he lowered his head and stared right at me. _Right at me_. Our eyes were suddenly locked on each other. I swore I saw a shadow of a smile cross his face, but as soon as I thought I had seen it, it had disappeared. _

_ We stared at each other, eyes locked on one another, for the next three songs. Suddenly I didn't hear the other instruments – all I could hear was his guitar crying some sort of beautiful cry. When the final song ended, Zach had to tap Eli on the shoulder because he was still standing with his eyes locked on mine._

_ "Come on, man. You look like a fucking space case."_

_ Eli blushed furiously and glared daggers at me as if I had just committed one of the worst crimes imaginable. I rolled my eyes and found Rachel. She was outside of the warehouse sitting at a table outside, smoking another cigarette._

_ "Hey."_

_ "How hard is it to just focus on Zach?" She asked, "I mean really. He's super cute. Focus on him."_

_ I sat down next to her and took a sip of her Coke she had purchased at the vending machine. She really had no clue, did she?_

_ A few minutes later, after the guys had cleared the stage, Zach, Alex, and Nick came over to our table. We all talked and laughed and they shared some cigarettes. Zach kept his eyes locked on mine, and I couldn't help but blush shyly. I didn't deny the attention was nice, but I wanted Eli. Where was Eli?_

_ "He's chatting up those girls," Zach said, as if reading my mind, "So, are you having a good time?"_

_ We talked and pretty soon I found myself sharing some of his drink and laughing and talking with him as if we were old friends, and I guess by that time, we sort of were. Eventually there was talk about where we would stay that night. The Battle of the Bands was about an hour outside of Mayberry, and the guys didn't have money for a hotel room. Already it was too late to drive back._

_ "I have a friend that lives about fifteen minutes away," Alex suggestion, "She owes me a favor or two. Maybe we could stay with her?"_

_ "Call her up!" _

_ It turned out her parents were out of town, but she explained we were all welcome to come over and stay the night just as long as we stayed downstairs, didn't wreck anything, and left alone as she was already in bed. I rode with Rachel, trying not to think how I'd have to spend a whole night under the same roof as Eli._

_ When we arrived to the house, she met us on the lawn in her pajamas and told us we could have the beers in the fridge; then she disappeared back upstairs for the rest of the night. We cracked open a few beers and got ourselves comfortable on the couch. Eli made some excuse about being tired, and grabbed a pillow off the couch and disappearing into the dining room._

_ I wanted to go to him. I really did. I wanted to talk to him and make sure he was okay. I wasn't sure why he didn't want to be around the rest of us, but it bothered me. Everyone was laughing and having fun. Why didn't he want to be a part of that? But just as I was working up my courage to go over to him, Zach pulled me down onto the couch and held me from behind. He wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled his face into my neck._

_ "You look like you're having an anxiety attack," I could feel his smile on my neck, "Just chill, Clare."_

_ "Okay," I nodded, and relaxed into his grasp. Alex flipped on the TV, and we found a bunch of seasons of Family Guy on Netflix. The guys all started hollering, and I guess that meant that they had decided on watching Family Guy. The episode they settled on was one that I had actually seen. The Bird is the Word episode. I rolled my eyes but sang along with everyone else. It was fun. I don't know if it was the beer, or the company, but everything about that episode seemed to be the most hilarious thing that any of us had ever seen. _

_ Zach still held me in his arms. It felt good – comforting. But I still couldn't help but think about Eli in the dining room. Alone. I tried not to want to go to him. I tried to talk myself out of it. I swear, Zach was a mind reader; at that exact moment, he kissed my neck. I smiled and turned around and kissed him sweetly on the lips. He tasted of beer and cigarettes. _

_ "Watch the show, silly," I rolled my eyes, using Eli's word and feeling strange because of it._

_ That night, after about five episodes of Family Guy, we decided to fall asleep. The couch was one of those sectional things, and surprisingly there was room for all of us. We smushed together, and I fell asleep still in Zach's arms. _

_ The next morning, Rachel and I said goodbye to the guys and hit the road. I kissed Zach goodbye, and followed her to the truck. Once we were safe inside, she said:_

_ "Wow Clare, you totally spooned with Alex all night!"_

_ "That…that was spooning?" For some reason I had always thought spooning was something…more._

_ "Well what did you think it was?" Rachel laughed, turning the key in the ignition. As we began to back out of the driveway, I saw the blinds of the window of the living room pulled to the side. Eli was peering out as we drove away._

_Stop us, I shouted inside my head, run out and stop us from driving away. Stop us so we can finally talk and hash all of this stuff out. We need to hash this out. There's something between us, Eli! You can't tell me you don't feel it too! You don't just...you don't just have what he had and throw it away and forget it. You just can't! And if you did, please tell me the secret, because I can't get you out of my head._

_Again our eyes locked, but just for a split second before Rachel's truck drove away. I felt my heart clench again. I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking her to turn around, to keep from telling her that I had forgotten something._

_I didn't though. I didn't say a word as we drove away. Instead, I just closed my eyes and pictured him standing there, staring out the window and watching us go._

_ That was honestly the last time I ever saw him…_

Claudio yelped and jumped up on me. I jumped back and looked down at him to see that he was covered in flour. How in the world had that happened? Unless…then it hit me. I had spaced out and when I had gone to pour the flour into the bowl, I had sort of missed…dumping it on the poor dog instead.

"Claudio, pumpkin! I am so sorry! Oh Mommy is so sorry!"

Great. I looked up at the clock on the microwave. It was already ten at night and I had forgotten eat something myself, and now the dog needed a bath.

"Come on," I patted my thigh, "Daddy's not home yet, which means you're getting a bath in the Jacuzzi!'


	8. Chapter Seven

**Chapter Seven**

"Clare?" Ali opened the front door a crack to see me standing there in my pajamas, Claudio by her feet. I looked at her sheepishly. "What happened?"

"I needed to get away for a bit. Lyndon came home from getting drinks with the firm, and he had wanted me to make him dinner, but I spilled the flour so the crust for the pot pie wasn't the best and he started accusing me of being lazy and not doing anything and I just…I didn't know what to do and I started crying and then he called me ungrateful and…"

"Clare," Ali's eyes swam with concern, "Take a breath and come in."

"It's so late though…"

"I'm up. I'll fix us some tea and we can just talk a bit, alright. Why don't you and Claudio sit on the couch and I'll bring the tea out to the living room once it's steeped. Alright?"

"Thank you," I sighed and slipped through the door. Claudio ran over to the couch and hopped up on to one of the cushions, "Sorry about that."

"Aw, he's fine," Ali shrugged, "You two are always welcome here. I'll be right back – then I want to know everything that happened."

I sat down next to the goldendoodle and picked at my cuticle. I still didn't really know what exactly had happened. Everything felt like a blur. It was as if I hadn't really been there, and had watched the events play out from afar – like I was watching a movie or a theater performance. It hadn't felt like it had actually happened to me.

Ali appeared with two mugs of caramel tea in her hands. She handed one of them to me before sitting down and saying, "Alright, spill."

"I-I don't even know what exactly happened," I admitted, "I just…I tried to make him dinner, but I was distracted and I spilled the flour. I made dinner for him and went to bed but he woke me up demanding to know what was wrong with the crust of the pot pie. I told him we were almost out of flour so I tried to make do. He told me that wasn't good enough and if all I do is sit around all day, I had no excuse not to prepare an amazing meal."

"What happened next?" Ali asked.

"I told him he was the one that asked that I quit work. I told him at least I made him dinner in the first place and then…then he told me I was ungrateful for all the things he does for me. I told him I wasn't but…then he…he hit me."

"He _hit_ you?" The color drained from Ali's cheeks, "Clare, this is unacceptable."

"I know," I bristled, "I just…I don't know. He apologized right away for it, but I-I grabbed Claudio and I told him that we were leaving. I told him I just couldn't be around him right now. I just had to get out of that house, Ali."

"I don't blame you. Crash here as long as you need, hon. I just…I can't believe that he did that. How scummy of a person can you possibly be? Ugh, I just…I want to go crush him in the balls with my stiletto. What the _hell_ is his problem? He can _not_ just do that to you and get away with it."

"I know, I just don't know what to do," I sighed and took a sip of tea, "I wonder if getting engaged was a mistake, Ali. I mean…I just don't feel very happy with him. He gives me beautiful things and I know he'll financially take care of me, but I just am not genuinely happy with him. I don't know what to do."

"If you could go back in time and fix any one thing, what would it be?"

"Eli," I said without skipping a beat.

"What do you mean?"

"I would…I would fix whatever happened between us. I'd be more persistent about letting him know that when I kissed him, it wasn't just because I was drunk. I…I want to feel what I felt with him on that night. I know it was one night, but all of a sudden, I can't get that one night out of my head."

"You know what you should do," Ali grinned, "You should write him a letter or something. You should write to him and explain all of your feelings. You'll always regret it if you don't tell him everything. Maybe…maybe things will be different. Maybe you two will start talking and hashing everything out and maybe…"

"Ali, he was good friends with Rachel. Now that Rachel is out of my life, I don't know if he'll want anything to do with me. I-I lost a lot of friends when I cut my ties with her. I just don't know what to do. Besides, isn't it wrong to write to him when I am engaged?"

"Clare, your engagement is kind of a disaster," Ali reminded me, "I want you to write a letter to Eli. Write all of your feelings down in that letter, and send it to him. He's on Facebook right? Surely his address is posted or something."

"I don't know," I blushed, feeling a wave of nerves flood over me, "It was a long time ago. He might be married or something. I just don't know. Who am I to go and disrupt his whole life?"

"Or maybe his life is in need of a little disruption," Ali smiled a mischievous smile, "Who's to say he hasn't been waiting years for you to contact him?"

"It was one night…one night, Ali!"

"A lot can happen in one night."

"A lot _did_ happen in one night," I smiled a faraway smile, and I could practically smell the seats of the pickup truck and hear his laugh once again, "You know what, I think I will. Even if I don't send it, it should at least help me get my feelings in order right?"

"Exactly. Are you ready to do this?" Ali asked, and honestly I didn't know. I used to always write letters to people that I could never send, just to get my thoughts out in the open and down on paper. Maybe Ali was right. After all, who said I ever had to actually send the letter? I could just write my feelings and see what comes of it.

"Alright," I nodded, patting Claudio, "I'll do it."

"Let me get you a pen and some paper. I need to get some sleep, but you know where the guest room is. Just make yourself at home. I'll warn Dave so he doesn't walk around naked after his morning shower," Ali rolled her eyes, "I swear…"

"It's fine," I smiled a shy smile, "Thanks Ali. I really appreciate this."

"Of course," Ali nodded, "It's my duty as your best friend to let you crash here in times like these. Promise me you'll get some sleep. I have work tomorrow, but don't go over to that house. Stay here. I have food and movies and internet and books. Don't go over there, Clare. Please –stay here."

"I will," I nodded, knowing I didn't want to face Lyndon after what he had just done. Ali disappeared over to the desk and withdrew a sheet of notebook paper and a pen.

"It'll help," she said, giving my shoulder a squeeze before kissing Claudio on the head and heading towards her bedroom.

I sighed and stared down at the piece of notebook paper. I was a writer. I could do this. I decided not to overthink. I was just going to write and it was going to be raw and imperfect and it was going to be everything I needed to say. I wasn't going to make it clean and neat. It needed to be spontaneous and raw.

I put my pen to the paper and wrote –

_I do not know why I am writing this. I know I shouldn't be. But here I am, sitting here composing this letter I know I should never even send. You probably don't even remember who I am or what my name is. That's okay. It's been awhile. This is Clare. I was friends with Rachel – once upon a time. Please, don't stop reading. I know this is weird, and I know it's strange, but please just give me five minutes out of your day and read what I have to say to you. Please._

_About ten years ago, Rachel brought me to Madeline's party with the intent on getting me drunk. I had never drunk before, and I was nervous and naive. Before going to the barn where you all would be playing, we picked you up first. The first time I saw you, you gave me butterflies. How completely and utterly corny is that? But it's true. Instantly, I wanted to get to know you more. We went to Walmart I believe, and then to the barn. I met the rest of the band, and they were all great. But when you guys played, I couldn't keep my eyes off the drummer. Later that night, we drove to get some food. We talked about a bunch of stuff - politics, religion, family. You told me about your family, and how much you love you mom. When we got to the parking lot, we kissed. I wanted to kiss you more, but I refrained because at that point, I was drunk. I didn't want to kiss you drunk in case I woke up the next morning not remembering, so we went inside and got our food. It was so simple – just go in, get our food, and go back. But the way you kissed me…the way I felt around you…I was greedy and I wanted something more. I wanted to make love to you that night. And so we did – in the back of your truck. Not very romantic and certainly unplanned._

_Many nights I've stayed up thinking about my decision to make love to you in that truck. I worry because that's not the person I am. I am not the type who would just sleep with a guy when she's drunk in the back of his truck. I'd never do something like that, and the very fact that I did, scared me to death. I don't know why I did that, Eli. I'll never forgive myself. Yes, it was wonderful. Yes, it is something I'll remember always but I don't want you to think of me as just a cheap lay. I am not that person, Eli. And I am afraid I made that impression of myself._

_When we got back to the barn, I was so sick. I threw up and blacked out. I don't even know how I got to Rachel's truck, but she later told me that you helped me. Thank you. We got to the hotel and I was throwing up and so sick. The next morning, I woke up and still felt sick. I wanted to see you before I left to go back to Toronto. I wanted to apologize and thank you for being so wonderful. When I asked Rachel if we could see you, she told me that you had told her you didn't want anything to do with me after that night. We drove home, me still horribly sick, feeling like I had been punched in the heart. I tried to get you out of my head, but I couldn't._

_A few weeks later, you guys were playing somewhere. We went to watch you. It was some sort of Battle of the Bands type of gig. Anyways, as I was watching one of the bands preform, you came over and nudged me. We smiled at each other and that was it. We didn't say a single word. That night, while you guys played, you were the only one I cared about watching._

_You disappeared for the night, and Rachel and I hung out with the other guys. I wanted to talk with you more than anything - to apologize and to thank you. But I remembered what she said about you not wanting anything to do with me, so I busied myself by talking and flirting with the other guys. It was fun, but it was empty. I did like them, but the only person I really wanted to talk to that night was you. We all ended up staying at Rachel's friend's house. We crashed on the couch, and watched Family Guy. You slept away from everyone. I wanted to go talk to you, but I didn't want to make you mad. Rachel said you could have a temper, and so can I. The last thing I wanted was a fight. So I kind of tried to ignore you, and focused on having fun with everyone else._

_That was the last time I saw you._

_I saw you for two nights out of the year I was nineteen and I can't stop thinking about those two nights. I am engaged now, and out of all the things I can think on and reflect upon, you are the one that won't get out of my head. I wish things had been different. It wasn't the vodka that made me like you. I liked you way before. But because of the vodka, I was stupid and sick and ruined maybe what could have actually been something with a pretty amazingly wonderful guy._

_I am not sending this letter to be some sort of crazy stalker, even if it sounds like it. I am sending this to try to get some closure here. I am no longer friends with Rachel – as you probably know. The friendship was toxic for both of us. I later found out that she was giving me more vodka in my drinks than what she had told me, and that because of that, she had given me alcohol poisoning. I can't drink anything but beer to this day because of it. My body rejects most alcoholic drinks now. Also there were a lot of other issues, but I just couldn't be her friend anymore. It hurt me to end that friendship, but it was something I had to do. There were a lot of mistakes I made in that friendship. Getting drunk that night was one of them. Meeting you wasn't._

_I hope you're doing well, wherever you are and in whatever you are doing. I still have the rest of the guys added on Facebook and it seems like the band broke up. I am so sorry. I hope you haven't given up on your music. You were so passionate about it. Your face when you'd play...it's something you clearly loved quite a bit. I hope you haven't given up on that. I'd like to imagine that you're teaching music lessons for kids or something along those lines. Maybe you have a pretty girlfriend who takes good care of you. I just hope you're happy. I hope in whatever you are doing, where ever you are, you are happy._

_Like I said, this isn't some creepy stalker letter. I am just writing this to get my feelings out. Maybe I won't even send it. I don't know yet. All I know is that I am engaged to be married and I had finally got you out of my head several years ago only for you to creep back in now. I don't know why that is. I really don't. In another life, if things were different, I'd send this letter and you would get it and read it and maybe smile to yourself. You'd think it over and write me back. We might meet up somewhere and go out for dinner and just talk. But I know that will never happen. I just need to pen my thoughts to paper and maybe I'll work up the courage to send this letter. Maybe I won't and it'll live in my dresser drawer for a few years until I find it one day, read it, and toss it away. I don't know. All I do know is I want you to be happy, and I want you to know that when I kissed you, it wasn't because I was drunk. I wanted to kiss you from the moment I first talked to you. I was head over heels for you._

_It was just one night. One night. And that one night has been stuck in my head for quite a long time. I don't know why. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could just move on and not toss and turn at night thinking, "What if..."_

_If you're still reading this, I'll let you go now. Get back to living your life. But please, if you aren't happy, do something that makes you happy. Make a change and be happy. You deserve so much happiness._

_My address is as follows in case, for some reason, you want to write me back. Maybe you have things you'd like to say to me as well._

_Goodbye. Take care of yourself._

_Clare Edwards._


	9. Chapter Eight

**Chapter Eight**

"Are you going to send it?" Ali asked. It was the following evening as we were sitting on the couch after she had gotten in from work. Dave was out to dinner with some of the guys, allowing us some girl time together. Ali had just read over the letter as I nervously sat on the couch, biting my fingernail.

"Oh don't ask me that question," I buried my face in my hands, "How could I ever send it, Ali? It's been ten years. It was one night ten years ago. I doubt he even remembers who I was…"

"Then send this letter and _remind_ him," she stated pointedly, "Clare, he is your 'the one that got away' and maybe you two were meant to have this awesome love story…"

"Ali, I got drunk and slept with him in the back of his truck."

"Who said it had to be a conventional love story?" Ali shrugged, "Come on, Clare. If you don't, you're going to spend your whole life wondering 'what if?'"

I shook my head, knowing Ali's words made sense, but not wanting to acknowledge that just yet, "I don't even know his address, Ali. How can I send it if I don't even know where to send it? Explain that to me."

"Simple," Ali grinned wickedly, "Come on."

She pulled Clare up off the couch and half dragged her over to the laptop on the kitchen counter, "Alright. We're going onto Facebook."

"Oh no," I put my face in my hands, "Ali, no. We're _not_ looking up his address on Facebook. Do you realize how stalker-ish this sounds?" I asked, "This is how stalkers find people! I am not stooping to that level! That is too much!"

"Fine," Ali shrugged, logging onto her old Facebook page, "You don't have to, but I will."

"_Ali_!"

"Eli Goldsworthy, right?" Ali asked, typing the name into the search bar, "Is this him?"

I didn't want to look, "Ali, I am not doing this, alright? I am not going to stalk him on Facebook to find out his address. That is creepy and weird and totally something off of Dateline. I am not going to partake in this, alright?"

"He sure is handsome."

Alright. _That_ got my attention. Despite my brain telling me what a bad idea this was, I turned and stared at the computer screen. The Facebook search page was up, and Ali had the cursor on a small thumbnail photo of a man with black hair falling into his jade green eyes. He was standing in front of a building, but I couldn't make out what, or where, it was. Ali clicked on the picture, taking us to his profile.

"It's mostly private," she said, "But it says he works at Benji's Record Resale Shop in…Toronto. He lives here, Clare!"

"Oh no," I shake my head, "Don't get it into your head that…"

"_He's single._"

"Ali…"

"It doesn't list his address, but let me just Google Benji's…"

"Ali…"

"Look, the webpage lists the address. Why don't you send the letter to the record store?"

"Um…no. Do you know how unprofessional that is, Ali? To send my letter at his work is completely immature…"

"Or we could make a drive there tomorrow…."

"Ali, no. What would I even say or do? Explain that to me, okay. What would I say to him? Oh, hi. You may not remember me, but I wrote you this letter so uh yeah…here you go! Something tells me that that wouldn't quite go over so well."

Ali rolled her eyes, "You're never going to know until you try, Clare."

I protested. I really did. I told her it was a dumb idea, and that going to his work would be really stupid. I told her that I had no idea what I'd even tell him. I told her that I wouldn't even know what to do if I saw him, and that I could just picture myself clamming up and making a complete and utter fool out of myself.

She didn't listen.

And now here we were. Sitting outside in the parking lot of Benji's. I could just about kill her. She parked the car, and turned down the radio, and said –

"So…are you going in?"

"Ali, no! I am not going in! I wouldn't even know what to say to him! You can't be serious…"

"Oh I am. Come on, let's go."

"Ali!"

"What?" She batted her mascara-caked eyelashes innocently, "I just want to check and see if they have the Prince record Dave has been begging for. It'll be an…anniversary present. Come on, Clare. I'm _not_ going in by myself."

She opened the car door and hopped out, leaving me with no choice but to follow her.

"_I still think this is a bad idea_," I hissed as we made our way through the front door. A little bell above the door dinged, and a man in a red goatee turned and stared at us. He had a beer belly, and his stringy red hair was pulled back into a ponytail.

"Can I help you ladies?" He asked.

"Yes," Ali took charge, as always, and said, "I am looking for a Prince record, and I was wondering if you could perhaps help us?"

"Maybe. What particular record are you looking for?"

"I don't really know," Ali winced, "Maybe you could just show me a section and I can pick through and see what I think?"

"That'll work. Follow me."

He led us through the boxes and shelves of records, all organized in some form of hodgepodge manner. I couldn't help but look around as I followed the man and Ali. Maybe he wasn't working today. That would make sense, right? And then I could just turn around and follow Ali out of here and leave. No drama. No Eli. Besides, I needed to get back. Lyndon wanted to take me out to dinner as a way of apologizing for what he had done to me. I needed to get ready…

"This is where all of our Prince records are," the man waved a hand over a shelf, "You can just dig through and see if there's anything that you're looking for in particular. We are having a deal – five for the price of three, so keep that in mind when you're looking."

"Thank you," Ali nodded and began to thumb through the records. I stood off to the side, still looking around the store. I was ready to go, and this was taking way too long. Yes, being in this store for three minutes is three minutes too long in my book.

"Ali," I nodded towards the door, "I have to get back soon. Lyndon…"

"Lyndon can wait," Ali rolled her eyes, "I think this is the one Dave wanted. I'm not sure. Why don't you go look around or something. There might be something that interests you."

I sighed and opened my mouth to protest, but remembered how well that had worked the last time. I began to walk through the shelves of records until I came across a Patti Smith record. Okay, so maybe this trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

"Can I help you?"

Oh God. I didn't even have to glance up to recognize that voice – smooth like velvet, dripping like molasses. Eli. I felt my cheeks flame, and my heart began to speed up way too fast. I had no idea what to say, and I looked down at the floor for a second, trying to gather my courage to look up into those eyes…those eyes that had haunted my dreams for far too long.

"Um…" _Look up, Clare. Just look up and tell him no thank you. It's not rocket science._ I listened to my voice in my head and forced my eyes to his. I regretted it as soon as I did it. Those emerald eyes shone with that recognizable flame, and I felt my skin grow hot. This was not good. Why did he still have this effect on me? Oh Lord. This wasn't good. Not one bit. _Say something_!

"I'm good."

"Are you sure?" He quirked an eyebrow and shot me a look, "You look a little flushed."

"I'm...fine," I swore I could hear my voice squeak, and I hoped it had gone unnoticed. It didn't. His brow furrowed, and his eyebrow shot up even more – he was clearly a mix of puzzled and entertained by me. Absolutely great. This was _just_ what I needed.

"Wh-what?" He coughed back a chuckle, "Look, do you need me to call someone?"

"Um…it's fine. I just…I'm sorry. I'm kind of out of it right now."

"I can tell. Does it have anything to do with that bruise on your cheek?"

My hand flew to my cheekbone. I really thought I had covered it up enough. I mentally cursed, and ran my fingertips across the tender bone. I had spent fifteen minutes putting on foundation. It wouldn't possibly be showing…

"There's not a bruise there."

"There is if you squint and look hard enough," he retorted in this snarky-sounding voice, "So…is there a story behind that?"

"You're crazy. There isn't a bruise there and even if there were, what business is it of yours?"

"Well, there's a strange woman standing in the middle of the record store I work in with a bruise on her cheek and acting very oddly. I'd say it's my business. Although…for a crazy person, you have excellent tastes in music."

"Really?" Damn it. I squeaked again. Why did he have this effect on me? His eyebrow shot up again, and he stared at me for a moment before smirking and lightly hitting my shoulder with the back of his hand and saying –

"Follow me. I've got something to show you," he jerked his head to the side, and I didn't have much of a choice in that matter. Even if I didn't want to, my feet would follow him across the Sahara Desert.

"If you like her, you should listen to this," he thumbed through a shelf until he settled on a record and handed it to me, "Lou Reed. You like the classics, huh?"

"Yes," I nodded, trying to keep my voice as level as I could, "I like all music to be honest. There's beautiful songs in every genre if you uh…look hard enough."

He nodded, impressed, "Exactly. Would it be uh…inappropriate of me if I told you that your eyes remind me of…"

"Of what?" I asked, my throat closing up with nerves.

"The ocean."

"_There_ you are!" Ali interrupted, and I couldn't quite tell if I was relieved or disappointed, "I was looking for you! I found the record I am getting Dave...oh. Am I interrupting something?" Ali raised an eyebrow.

"No," I was quick to say, "Uh, he was just helping me find a record I might like."

"Oh," Ali shot me a look and I glared at her. Now was not the time to go gaga over my interaction with Eli. Now was the time for us to leave.

"Well thank you," I turned to him and smiled, "It was nice of you to uh…help me."

"Sure thing. It's my job. Listen to that record and let me know what you think of it."

"I will," I nodded, "Thanks again."

"Like I said, it's my job. Come on, I'll check you two out."

He led us over to the register and I felt a wave of boldness overcome me just as it had all those nights ago; and I said, "So, is it your job to also complicate stuttering, oddly-behaving girls with bruises on their cheeks about their eye color?"

His cheeks flamed and something sparked in his eye. He turned to me and looked as though he was about to say something harsh, but softened and said, "No, it's overtime."

"Ah," I nodded, my confidence was dwindling. I could feel it.

"So, you admit that there is a bruise?" He raised an eyebrow. In response, I rolled my eyes. Why couldn't he just drop it?

"I am never going to find out about that bruise, am I?"

"I told you – there is no bruise. And even if there was…"

"It's none of my business," he smiled a tight smile, "That'll be two-fifty for yours," he said, but then shook his head, "Nah, make that one-twenty-five. That Lou record is on the house."

"Oh. Thank you." Ali shot a glance between us and Eli realized we had been staring at each other a bit too long.

"And your record," he told Ali, "Is a dollar. Hope you ladies enjoy."

"We will," Ali said, and practically had to pull me away from the register. What was my problem? I followed her out of the store and back towards her car, "What was _that_?" She asked, her eyes saucers.

"What was what?" I asked casually.

"That thing back there with Eli. What _was_ that?"

"I don't know. Hey, is my bruise showing?" I turned and she inspected the mark on my cheek.

"Just slightly. Clare…I don't want you eating dinner with Lyndon tonight."

"Ali, I'll be fine. It's just dinner. I'll tell him I still want to stay with you while I think everything over. What's he going to do at dinner?"

"What is there to even think over?" Ali shook her head, getting into the car, "He's a dick."

"He's my fiancé."

"He doesn't have to be. Crap, I think I left my wallet on the counter. I'll be right back!"

"Ali," I groaned and rolled my eyes. She had to drag me out of the store, but now that I was out, I wanted to be as far away from the store as possible. I had made a complete fool of myself and…

I glanced down. Right on the seat was Ali's wallet. She was already inside the store by now. I could tell she was up to something…but what? A few moments later, she resurfaced with a huge smile on her face. When she got back in the car, I didn't waste any time.

"What did you do?"

"You can't go to dinner with Lyndon."

"And why is that?"

"Because," she grinned wickedly, "You have a date with Eli."


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: I finally have a chance to update! Yay!

Chapter Nine

"You what?" My eyes practically burst through their sockets, "Alli...Alli what have you done?" My throat felt as though it was closing shut with nerves.

"Nothing really," she batted her eyelashes innocently, "I just asked him if he had plans for tonight and when he said no, I said good because my friend would really like to take him out to dinner."

"Alli! You did not!"

"I did."

"Alli!"

"What? He doesn't know you're you yet and if it is meant to be, you two will reconnect and have an amazing time. If not, then you know you can move on."

"This is so not a good idea."

"Oh hush," Alli flipped her hair over her shoulder, "I'm giving you my credit card. Go somewhere nice. Buy him dinner and drinks. Talk to him and get to know him."

I bothered my lower lip between my teeth. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all. I mean, it wasn't like I had to tell him who I was or anything. All I would do is go out with him and see if that something I felt ten years ago was still there. And it was Alli's treat.

"You're picking him up after he gets off work at seven."

"Alli..."

"Stop objecting. Now then, I am taking you shopping. You're going to look gorgeous for your date."

There was no use in arguing. We spent the afternoon shopping. Alli kept trying to get me into short skirts and heels but I didn't want to look as though i was trying too hard; besides, it wasn't my style to dress that way. I did pick out a simple black t-shirt and a pair of dark-washed jeans and ballet flats. Alli had scoffed but had fronted the bill for me anyway.

When we got back to her place, she spent a while fussing over me. My phone had rung a few times and eventually she just handed it over to Dave who told Lyndon that I was staying with them for awhile. He wasn't too happy about it, but he wasn't going to do anything to Dave to stop it. Finally, I had some peace and quiet. Alli finished curling my hair in rollers and applying some light makeup for me.

"Turn around," she squealed, clapping her hands together, clearly proud of her work, "So, what do you think?"

It took me a moment to form words. I looked the prettiest I had looked in a long time - way too long. With Lyndon, I did makeup but I didn't feel like getting all done up like I had used to - I hadn't felt like I had a reason to; but tonight I finally had a reason. Eli. My stomach twisted into knots at the very thought of it. The last time I had spent a night unsupervised with Eli, we hadn't been the most behaved. But I was older now, and I wasn't drunk. I would have complete control over myself, so what was there to worry about, right?

At seven, I pulled in front of the record store. He was leaning against the wall with a cigarette balanced between his lips. As he approached the car, I stopped him.

"You're not bringing that thing into my car," I glared at the cigarette. Eli scowled for a moment before flicking it onto the pavement.

"Happy?"

"Overjoyed."

"Good."

He swung the door open and slid into the passenger seat, "So, do you make it a habit to get your friend to ask guys out for you?"

"She kind of went behind my back on that one," I admitted.

"Aw really?" He frowned, "And here I was thinking you were madly in love with me."

"The night's still young."

"It's not every day girls ask me out for dinner. Where are you taking me?"

I realized I hadn't really thought that out yet, "Um...you pick?"

"Okay," he eyed me for a moment before saying, "There's a burger place off the highway not far from here. I'm a cheap date."

I tried to ignore the butterflies in my stomach, "Okay," I said, backing out of the parking space, "Sounds good to me."

"Are you going to tell me about that bruise?"

"Are you going to stop asking?"

"Not until you do."

I sighed, knowing that there was really no point in lying - especially since this was just one night, "My fiance has a temper."

"Ah," he nodded, understandingly, "Not everyday married women try to seduce me."

"No one is trying to seduce you and I'm not married yet. I am doing this humor my friend," I tried to sound convincing but I knew I was failing. Eli didn't say anything. Instead, he reached over and turned on the radio.

"Coheed?" He raised an eyebrow, clearly impressed, when my CD filled the car.

"Yeah. They're my favorite."

"You know, I have never met a girl that actually has heard of them."

"Good to know I've won some brownie points with you," I pulled onto the highway and hoped he couldn't hear how loudly my heart was beating against my chest.

"So...do you have a name?" He asked.

"Everyone has a name."

"So let me get this straight - a strange, crazy woman comes into the shop, her best friend asks me out for her, and she takes me out to dinner but she won't tell me her name. Oh yeah, and she's married..."

"Engaged," I corrected.

"_Engaged_," Eli mimicked, "So did you like escape from a mental ward or something? Should I be concerned? Scared for my life?"

"No," I rolled my eyes, "Like I said, I am humoring my friend, Alli. She thought we had a connection and wanted me to go out with you tonight to see if she was right or not."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"And what if she is?"

"What if she is what?"

"Right," Eli bit his lower lip, "What then?"


End file.
